It happened to me...

I was walking home this evening, through the same beaten path, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, a memory flashed in my head of an afternoon long long ago, when I walked down the same path, sobbing all the way. Out of the blue a buried emotion stirred a little and stopped me in the tracks. Those were the days when I was happily young and comfortably innocent. Having lived through twice as many years of life now than then, I can understand the circumstances better, but the feeling is preserved as-is.

I was walking back from school to an empty home - bro usually strolled in a full ten minutes later; he had friends, you see - after a particularly rough day. A lot of people would find it hard to believe today what a quiet friendless soul I used to be in school, through most of it anyway. Anyhow, that particular day was a summer afternoon, just before vacations, and I'd been at the receiving end of some particularly bitchy behavior by a bunch of girls in my class. The sad part was, these were the girls who lived near my home and I used to hang out with them plenty in the preceding years. They were never "friends", but for a while they were friendly (plus they always needed me for notes and stuff) and I always strove hard to fit in/find approval with their group. There weren't many options beyond.

They were cool, I was not, they were clever and often mean, I always took it in my stride but the wavelength never matched. But as we grew up, they got plenty of attention and 'friends', and I became dispensable enough to be mean to. It had been going on for quite some time, and even my normally forgiving and innocent self was frustrated enough to just cut off ties with them. I had tried making new friends, and asked this particular shy 'new girl' to sit with me, who had been sidelined so far. It was fine, and I thought I'd just move on, but that particular afternoon, somehow, they all had managed to gang up against me, getting the 'new girl' on their side as well and humiliatingly left me alone.

I told them off with a brave face, but couldn't help sobbing on the way back. I felt helpless, infinitely betrayed, and terribly embittered at the 'world'. I was sure you couldn't trust most people, and that the only way to survive and be happy is to be entirely self-dependent and not let anyone come close enough to hurt you.

The vacation was a few days after this happened, and I got through most of it alone. I did try to make friends in the years after, but never got so attached and never found a lasting bond till much, much later.

The funny part is, whatever happened that one afternoon was fairly insignificant in the whole scheme of events, and I later reconciled to a civil talk-and-walk acquaintance with these girls that I still have, but still, out of the blue, it was that memory that came to me. That helpless, lonely feeling, and the vow not to let the world pull me down.

It's amazing how much of who we are and what we believe is a function of our childhoods. In fact, I have a theory that puts the onus of who we become as people, what we believe and how we behave entirely on our childhood, but more on that later. For now, I guess I'd just be glad it happened to me sooner than later.

Mumma should know

My mumma does not know anything. So many times, when I ask her something she just says "I don't know beta", but she still says I should ask her questions. My daddy is smart, he always gives me answers and chocolates also. But daddy has gone to far-office. I asked mumma when he will be back and did he call. I have to tell him to bring me new barbie when he calls. But mumma just said I don't know. How can mumma not know? She is big. Whenever she asks me questions, I give her right answers. I give right answers to Madam in school also.
New madam is not as beautiful as old madam, but she gives me 3 stars in my homework. Old madam just gave one. New madam asks everybody's names so many times. Sometimes she calls me Angel instead of Anjali. Mummu said Angel means fairy. Like in the stories. Mumma says I am as beautiful and nice as fairies. But mom doesn't tell me stories these days. She says I should read them myself from my new blue book. It's difficult to read words and look at pictures at the same time. But mumma does not listen to me these days. I will tell Daddy when he comes back. And mumma does not give me chocolate Horlicks in milk also. White milk is not tasty. I climbed up the kitchen shelf today to find the horlicks bottle myself, but mumma saw me. She did not scold me, but I still came down. My left finger is hurting since then, but I did not tell mumma. Mumma does not look beautiful now. She is always crying, or cooking, or sleeping. She does not go to office either. I asked her when will she go so she can bring me chocolates and new doll and horlicks on the way back. She just said I don't know.
Mumma should know.
Goodnight.

My embarassing moment

When this happened I was five, at most six, years old. There was this guy S who lived on the ground floor of my building, and as far as I can recall, was just a few months younger to me. He must have been a playmate of some sort, for I vaguely recall running around and jumping stairs with him and a couple of others on weekends. Most probably he was the only guy in my friends, which weren't many at that particular time as I lived in a creche with not many kids and also had a two-yr old to bully at home, and I'd known him since I was born. He wasn't in my school though.
One day in school, in sports period, I clearly recall sitting on my favorite swing when a sudden activity emerged at one corner of the park where some of the girls of our class started gathering. Out of curiosity I went near them, and I realised they were talking in hushed whispers about "boyfriends and girlfriends". It was a relatively new, taboo idea in the India of early 90's, at least in primary school, and people really didn't have much of a clue about it.

I had exactly two notions about it till that point: 1. It is something people are usually embarrassed about if openly known and essentially is grown-up, stealthy, love against the zaalim zamaana kinda thing. 2. The whole "liberal" feed of girls and guys could be "just friends" and people shouldn't be gossipy or make a big deal about it.

Anyhow, the big scandal that day being liberally doled out in every eager pair of ears was that some fourth class girl in our school had a boyfriend in her class (trust me, schools these days wouldn't even react to a news like that). And so I listened to gasps, chuckles, curious "did she kiss him?" reactions all around me, while I distinctly remember at least one guy staring at us from a distance. There must have been more masala of this sort which I don't recall now but a few minutes later, I suddenly found a few stares at me, for I was standing quietly so far without any contribution of news or excitement to the group.

"A", the unofficial leader of that pack, asked me: Do you have a boyfriend?
My first reaction was a stumble: "What is a boyfriend?", to which I got a little frown and a cheered "A boyfriend is basically a boy who.."
"..is a friend", I finished.
And for no particular reason, I added, "Like S, who lives near my house, he's a friend.", which instantly turned into a roar of "She has a boyfriend", "S is her boyfriend" spreading as the new round of ear whispers right before my eyes.

That's the oldest real embarassing moment I can recall. It took me a minute to start protesting, "not that way A, he's just a friend", but it didn't work. Not for the rest of that day, although it didn't stick either, because afterall it was only a baseless gossip, but somehow, I don't remember playing with S almost ever after that, and a couple of years later we moved out. Perhaps I was scared, or embarassed, or caught in some complex I couldn't handle in Class II.

I don't know why I'm suddenly reminded of this incident today, after all these years. Most memories of those years are vague, only some flashes are clear. Perhaps I just wanna know how scared, how embarassed and in how much of a complex am I today, 15 years later.

Murder

How do you kill a kiddo? Simple...tell her, no yell to her, in her face till she's convinced, that all her dreams of her perfect fairy-tale world are false and illusory.

Show her the gruesome reality, the absence of faith, the farcical "forevers", the shallowness of love, the need to be selfish and then put the balm of practicality on it. And voila, you have a slightly hurt slightly shocked slightly jittery much grown up dreamless new member of your society, one who never again dreams of selfless compassion, the good of sharing and the Prince Charming.

You do this everyday, don't you?

Weepies

Everybody scolds me.
*sob sob*

I'm such a cute kid, fir bhi!
*sob sob*

So what if I don't have dimples?
*sob sob*
..pimples to hain na
*sob sob*

Sorry bolo to aur bhi daant padti hai.
Nahi bolo to gandi bachi bolte hain!
*sob sob*

If I say the truth, people scolding scolding
If I don't, all call jhoothi jhoothi
*sob sob*

Sare bade log jhadoo se marte hain
main koi bhoot hoon!
*sob sob*
...hoon bhi to cute bhoot hoon na

Nobody believes me...no uncle n no aunty
*sob sob*

Koi mujhe orange bar bhi nahi khilata
*sob sob*

Galti hi to ki thi, mistake thodi, huh!
Main sab se katti katti katti
:D :D

Kidding is serious business!!

Have you seen the Dhara advertisement where the li'l kid says, "koi mujhse pyar nahi karta main ghar chhodke ja raha hoon." and is then lured by jalebis back home. I am so in that mode, except I can't say that line to anyone/go anywhere/nobody's gonna lure me back. All because they think that at 20, I'm not a kid.
Question 1, who the hell is they? Question 2, how the hell did they decide? And question 3, why can't I be a kid any more?

So you and you and they and all of they's friends can please go to hell, because the kiddo mode I'm living in for the last 2 hours is bound to stay some more. I LIKE being a kid. I LOVE being silly. What's anybody's problem in that?
Why can't you people see me happy? See I'm happy, [shows you a thumb], do what you want to do. (And I'm happy and I'm ranting, which proves you can rant when you are not sad. QED. Yey!)

The point is, the bade log of these world are all jerks. They just lovvvvvve complicating simple things and then complainign how tough life is. They can't answer a single question kids ask properly and completely (no aukat only!!) and still say they are the ones who know more stuff. Kids are good, they fight, but in that love now, slap after five minutes and kick throw bang boom cry complain smile again at ten. Adults fight stretchign stuff so long that nobody can possibly remember what the dispute was, and all they keep to themselves is big biggg words like discomfort and selfishness and adjustment and small biggg words like ego and sin. Huh!

Everything is actually so confusing...a few days back I was telling a friend.." So, your gf did this thing wrong, and though it hurt you then you can easily understand it was a small unintentional mistake and you already claim you'd forgive her if she comes to you and apologises. Right? So, tell me, why this if. If you can forgive her then, why wait or her to come and SAY sorry before forgiving her in your heart. Why stay bitter? Why prick a hole in both your hearts? Don't you even love her this much that you can forgive her without her actually physically asking for it?" And he was looking at me as if I just taught him rocket science!!! Double huh!!

Mujhe nahi rehna is bekar duniya mein aise....
People just invent reasons to be sad. You're "supposed" to grow up and act sane. Why the hell? You know what, if you wanna act all adult, then please go ahead and act adult by pampering me and jhelofying my excitements and tears and moods etc etc in that truly adult sort of way and derive the adultish post-pampering satisfaction out of it.
I'm cool with that. Instead, what you'd do is lecture me how I'm supposed to become as 'sensible' and 'sophisticated' and 'mature' as you!!!! Triple huh!!!

Just let me be ok. Kids are cuto ( kiddos are cuto-er). And everybody else is really really gandu.

And remember, it's ok if you don't understand me/like me/love me/like to pamper me/can't jhelofy me, it's OK. just lemme be. Lemme be silly because I like it. Just dont take stuff to heart. Just dont make me guilty.
Just dont make me cry. ForI've noone to lovingly wipe the tears.
Hope *you* got the point, honey!

Cheers to stupidity!! :D

:) :) :)

Un-Growing Up!

People say I have a knack of driving them to the wall sometimes, pinning them down to the one corner I want them to, till they are completely disarmed and smile, bowing to my wishes. I don't know if that's true, or whether I do a lot of it, but I'm feeling happy about it nonetheless...makes me feel like a queen of an illusory world, even though I know they are only humouring the ziddi kiddo in me( ah..dont worry...I don't make too many unreasonable demands normally![:P]) .

Which brings me to think, it's not soo difficult to retain some of your innocence, childhood chastity of heart alive even in this mad world, if one could do just two simple things.

One, sometimes, for some moments, let yourself go...without thinking of what the world will think, do the silly jab on the roadside and throw the meaningless tantrum to someone close that something in you wants to do, but your mind always intervenes with a "Stupidity Reality Check!" It's hard to realise how difficult it is for most of us, trained by the norms of the adult world to un-behave ourselves for just a little while, in close company. It's even harder to realise how therapeutic can nonsense be to the soul. Try it.

Secondly, try bowing down to someone else's tantrum and laugh with their jab, instead of laughing at it. Judgementalism is hard to discard for some people, but try and honestly humour somebody occassionally, and smile along, and you'd be surprised to realise how relieving that is, too.

OK, if you are convinced for starters you can experiment with me too...I'm in an immensely ziddi bacha mood today...[:D] And if you're not convinced, read the above paragraph again dumbo. :-P

Jokes apart, the point I've been trying to make is simple. There are lot of things that add stress to life. The pace is hectic, and it's a maddening rat race most of the times. But in a rat race, no matter who wins, the winner is still a rat! I don;t see any harm in holding back for a few seconds, returning to the child within, even if that means abandoning the "sophistication part" for a litle while. And I never said do that in a board meeting, but trust me, nothing brings friends closer to each other, more than honesty.

"Chhoti si zindagi hai, muskura ke jee lo yaaron

Shikvon mein kho ke kahin, jeena na bhool jana"

DISCLAIMER: I'm taking Optimism Injections these days. So the above post may be viewed in the light of any side-effects I might be suffering. I also think I've been obscenely lucky with something recently. I think that makes me be unreasonably buoyant ajkal, even on a day like today when I have been going to every class since morning and discovering that the most khadus-est of Prof has decided to bunk today, despite the fact that I'm being soo sincere even after a nearly no-sleep night!(Thanks to him, who was chatting with me till well past 5 a.m.)

JUST KID(DO)ING....

One basic fact: the most basic, ultimate thing we all want in life is 'happiness'. There are several definitions of this happiness, and there are joys big and small, enjoyed and overlooked, derived and snatched...but let me not go into that right now. This is supposed to be a fun post, and I'm supposed to be, er, well..just kidding!

It's amazing, if you think a bit, how little it takes to be happy most of the times. It's all in the mind they say! But what's even more intriguing is the all-kinds-of-stuff we all do 'just for fun'. Somehow the most delightful memories, at least for normal people, reside in those light fun moments which we spend playing pranks, teasing each other, pulling someone's leg, laughing aloud, being on adventures etcetra etcetra. It's an endless list, and invariably reminscing about the innumerable instances makes me smile.

But there's also one pertinent question that remains conveniently unanswered and ignored: that how much of something is really 'fun', and where do we, if at all, draw a line? I ask this because there is a list almost equally long of fun-instances-gone-wrong...where things become a bit too much, where it doesn't really stay 'fun', atleast for some people, where the idea of fun is reduced to a certain sadistic pleasure of enjoying at the expense of others, which is a thing we truly realise only when the 'other' is US, or where misunderstandings, fights and physical or mental injuries creep up in something that really was 'meant to be' for fun; worse still, where the fun-for-us is outright demeaning, insulting, or morally violating for somebody else, and we do it either because we don't care/realise, or because we are rather confident that the other person doesn't 'know' about this!!!!!

(There are the PRANKS that can scare the living daylights out of someone. And of course, there are the infinitely bad PJs that are fun to us, but whoever is our listener can freak out with headache. Do we stop at that? Not always...but is our definition of fun getting all mixed up with sadism?)

I'm not saying that there's anything bad in having fun, or enjoyin life. That IS infact THE AIM of life and of living. Come what may, smile u must! It has to be a constant endeavour to look for fun in simple, small things of life, and somebody who can have-fun-and-be-fun indeed has the most successful of lives in the real sense. But there is the whole moral thing again-IF one cares to care- because eventually we all live in a society with other people around, and therefore tolerance and respect is essential. Howmuchever fun it sounds to the damn-care parts of ourselves, we CAN'T really say and act on the belief that my fun cannot hurt somebody else, because it is not intended that way, and even if it does- so what! One has to be mindful, respectful and a wee bit careful. One man's fun can't be another man's agony.

But then, inspite of the fact that we all realise this, how many times do we err!!:(

It's OK to some extent within friends, as long as we are sure that it is not taken to-the-heart, because it's mostly a fair game, and we all have days when we are the laughing stock, so that it does even out(unless u r damn clever, or bossy, or damn lucky...but I feel even that is not much fun!:P) But there are limits at several places, and we should know them.

Not exactly on the point, but just to quote an instance, a few days back I was browsing the IIT LAN, and someone had put up a few pics from IITK's recent fest where our team went, calling the folder IITK_mein_photography_studapa. soem of you might have seen it, but for the sake of everyone, let me tell u wat it was, though I feel 'cheap' typing this: it had afew pics of some girl, taken from the top view, if u know wat I mean. Now I'm sure it was great fun for whoever took and saw and enjoyed those pics, but just think once, how violative an act that was, if the girl knew that? Would he have enjoyed the same had the girl being his sister, or mother?

Sorry if this sounds accusative or feminist, I am just trying to highlight how misplaced our definition of fun can be. Maybe u feel it wasn't a big deal because the gal wd probably never know. Fine. But that's not the point. It's about setting the stds, drawing the line.

Sigh! Why do I always get all worked up with my posts...soooo digressive!

Forgive me, I'm just a tiny kid who knows nothing..ur own stupid kiddo!!:D

Anyway, this post was meant to be for fun..so if u have time, check out this fun link.