Don't ask me why.

A silent moment
A soundless cry
An empty smile
A tear dry
A life unlived
passes by
I know, but
don't ask me why.
I live too, but
don't ask me why.

A numbing pain
A silence pregnant
A dying desire
A hope remnant
And a smile
that refuses to die
I know, but
don't ask me why.
I live too, but
don't ask me why.

A calm breeze
A shining sun
A storm invisible
Secrets a ton
To live, to fight
they struggle and try.
I know, but
don't ask me why.
I live too, but
don't ask me why.

A complex balance
a 'me' and a 'you'
An 'I' and a 'my'
and a 'them' too
Shattered hearts
and a 'truth' and a 'lie'
I know, but
don't ask me why.
I live too, but
don't ask me why.

Aj mera budday hai

Aj main bada bacha ho gaya hoon.
Chalo chalo, jo jo mera budday bhool gaye hain, sare wish karo.
Aur jis jis ko yaad hai, usko thank you hai.
Meri mummy kehti hai thank you bolna chahiye.
Main apni mummy ka chhota bacha hoon
Aur main sabka kiddo hoon.
Doc ko big Thanks. Poora DORK hai but kinna cute hai.
Moti ko bada sa hug. thank you.
Catalyst, njo aur Ted ko bhi thanks.
Mere sare friends ko bhi de hi deti hoon.
Aur aapko bahut bahut pyar.

Phew. Bada hona kitna mehnat ka kaam hai.
Shit! So so old.

PS Dear God, ab tak ye din achha hai. Kuch bhi bura kiya na, to kabhi baat nahi karoongi [:(

The old me

Something has happened. Something important that I don't yet fully understand but I do feel it for sure. I just hope it doesn't prove to be an illusion (which is unlikely) and that it doesn't disappear when it's tested (as it will be, inevitably). I feel after all the changing, growing, sinusoids etc, I've come to a point in life, at least mentally and at least partially, when I'm once again pretty much the same me that I was 2 to 3 years ago. Only older. Physically, emotionally and mentally (a lot older in the latter two senses perhaps). Life, they say, comes a full circle. It just might be true, although I hope these are several circles, unless this is the end.

I'm not so sure as of now, neither can I point to one point in space-time when this dawned on me. But somewhere in the last couple of weeks, drowned in a lot of work-related and personal stress and then relaxing at home in solitude, something finally snapped that didn't give any more pain...only liberation. Maybe it was just the adrenaline rush of handling placements phase 1 at ground zero as a coordinator, or maybe it was the pressure of controlling emotions for what what needed to be done, maybe it was the confidence that cracking 9.2 in a fighter semester full of extra-curricular work where acads had nearly zero enthu gave, or maybe it was the moment when I wanted to quit it all without any strings attached at all. Or maybe, it's simply the fact that I've quit on my experiments with 'living' as people taught and defined for me 3 years back. I've had enough.
And finally, I feel free. I feel very happy.

I know at least one thing that has gone wrong for me. I quit writing. My blogging became irregular and more a venting of emotions when I felt very low or very happy than anything else. My personal blog bore the brunt of even more extreme vents, and my personal diary hasn't seen a word in months. Sweden was when it started...anyway, I realise I am a person who needs to express and share to live. And the day I decided to 'live', to be a part of this world, to break the shackles I tied myself in, to trust others more than myself, to relax the rules, to be happy the way others were, to see if I could have real friends too...that day, I started looking outside of me for that need, for happiness. Today, I realise it was all futile, hopeful and too optimistic. Today I'm back where I was, equally lonely, lots of wasted trust, lots of pain received and more given, lots and lots of happiness received and still struggling as much to 'live' as I was on day one. Far far more vulnerable and emotional I had become, but now I know my sensitivity, my hyper-emotional freakishness and my illogical passions are better concealed from public view, better inside than outside, better restrained than abounding...for my own comfort.

Today I suddenly talk to myself again in the same tone I used to, today I'm back to my diary, today I'm back to my dreams and my boundaries, today I'm extremely comfortable walking alone, today I don't want and expect anything from anyone, today I want to write again and I'm sure I'd return to this blog in a larger frequency and different flavour now on.

Don't mistake me, I don't regret one bit of what I did. It was a beautiful life, and if I had to, I'd do it all over again the same way. I've got lots of beautiful things with me today because of my courage to experiment with living. I've never seen so much happiness before. I've learned a lot, I've grown tremendously. I'm just finally at the other side of a transition that began in April this year, a transition in which I was so caught in I had lost solid ground, and myself.
I'm finally free. I'm finally happy. I'm finally Envisager, Phoenix, me. I hope this stays.
Thank you. Love you.

Aabhas-shoonya

Aaj andherein kyon shaant hain

Sehmi si kyon raat hai

Naa neend na koi khyal hai

Is raat kii kuch to baat hai


Sparsh nirmam sa lagta hai

Sunn sa har vishwas hai

Bhatak gaye hain raah se itna

Ki bas kho jane ka ehsaas hai

Dard nahi ichha nahi

Na disha na manzil na khwab

Na darr hai na hi khushi

Na bhoot na bhavishya na aaj


Na azaad hoon na bandhan mein kisi

Na zinda hoon na maut ke paas

Kuchh hai to bas ek shoonya

Bas ye pal, aur iske beetne ka aabhas...

Reality

"A reality is defined by the limitations of the consciousness that perceives it."

Luck

"I'm mighty lucky. People understand me so well, whenever I get stressed at all of them and feel like yelling to them to leave me alone, I turn back to find that they already have."
~Anonymous

Change-VII

I've changed quite a bit with time, like everyone does. I just don't yet know exactly how, or how much.
However, I just noticed how my favourite key on the keyboard has changed with time, and that does give some insight.

It used to be Enter, changed to Ctrl, then to Space, and now it's Esc.

Mooning on

"There! Look at the moon. Isn't it amazingly pretty? Bright, full, hopeful. Now look again. Do you see the craters, the dents on its face, the pain that even the night can't hide for it? Is the moon smiling? Is it even watching me down here, an insignificant soul walking alone in the darkness of yet another night? Alone? Am I really alone? I have you, don't I? I'm talking to you as I walk. That means I'm not alone. I have you! But who are you? You are also me right. An invisible intangible unassailable version of me. You're everything that's good about me, and also everything that's bad about me. But I still like you. I like talking to you. Others may call me crazy, but...well..if I did not talk to you, wouldn't this walk be a lot lonelier?"

"Tell me, what do you think of the moon? Is it deceptive? Is it an illusion of beauty or a symbol of hope? Why does it conjure romantic images? Tell me, what do you think of romance? Or love for that matter...is it any good? You know for a long time I believed I was in love merely with the idea of love, with the hard-sold concept. But now, I can't see love and hatred as two distinct things any longer. The more I think about it, the more merged and indistinguishable they seem. It's just an intensity, a passion, a rush in the head when everything spins like crazy, a mere emotion. Emotions are silly things. Some people think my biggest problem, or the biggest discomfort I cause is being too emotional. They are discomforted by me, you see. Why do I care about some people? I don't know why, but it seems I do. Emotions again, I guess, but both you and I have both got used to being foolish and hurt over and over. Yeah, being emotional is a problem. But, there's no me separably apart from this problem. There's no me separably apart from you either. You listen and you understand, and at least you never quit on me, even when I do. You're wonderful."

"But if I confess to you, even with you here, I feel incomplete. I know you're listening but I don't know what I'm saying any more. I feel petty and unwanted. As if this long road I'm walking on is going to stay the same forever...long unwinding and alone. As if this night is never going to fade and I'd never hear another voice. And slowly, you'd get tired and fade away too, or you'd simply get bored of my blabber and run away. Heavens, how much do I talk!!(No wonder they hate it) So I was saying, you may run away too, and then my voice would be lost in the emptiness around me and my ears will go deaf by the silence. Would I still continue to walk? Well, what else. As if there was a choice! But look there, I think the moon is smiling."

"Ah no...the moon's hid now. It must have been saying bye to earth. It would have said bye to me too, I'm sure, if it knew I was here. Anyway, it's darker now. But the breeze is great, right. So tell me, what do you think of the breeze..?"

Blah..

Life is amazing. It has more colours, shades and variations that you can possibly imagine, and you keep meeting more and more of these randomly. Perhaps there are more dark, sad ones than not..perhaps...but that's besides the point. I keep saying it's amazing because it just is. Life is both good and bad at the same moment for me. I have reason enough to be depressed, reason enough to be highly grateful to life and reason enough to be pleasantly surprised. (That's why I don't always go by reason; miss reason is herself confused!!)

Pre-final exam time is always awful, though it never has been so bad. There have been just too many term papers presentations quizzes etc in these las 2 weeks, and no it ain't over yet. With placements around and other activities that need effort (add to it the weather, I just can't get out of bed (even when I'm sleeping alone!)) there is always a shortage of time. I so wish for exams to start so I can chillax!

On other fronts, thank you to Catalyst for delicious chocolates. Thank you to Doc for caring, and thank you God for giving me some sort of a reason to stay alive even though I'm very very tired, seriously. And oh yes, for those of you who follow Arpz's blog too, news is that Genius is in love. Check her page for more masala! :P

I was thinking today about the book I intend to write next year when I have more time and I realised spontaneity is absolutely essential for creativity and hence I should NOT think at all. for example, the back of my class notes has some crazy scribbles, some of which read:

~ "If you wait long enough, you don't have to choose anymore...because life doesn't leave you a choice."

~ "I am so hard-working I hardly work."

~ "Wanted: Temporary boyfriend, permanent girlfriend, eternal friend."

~ "All coincidence is an act of fate and a nomenclature of faith."

~ "The point of life is lost on an over-stretched line that we all tend to toe."

If there were no direction arrows, how do you choose?

Axioms of happiness

So, what do you need to be happy? The last post gave me many perspectives, which can be merged to give the following. Although some people wanted me to give me my defnition, I still choose to stay shut. Anyway, you guys have said most of what there is.

To be happy, therefore, you need:

1. To love. Love yourself, and get some love and respect, although the external part may be uncontrollable. I think it's important to be loved because it makes us feel needed, and it's important to love because it comes in buldled with axioms number 3 and 4 below.
2. To not have any desires. Since that's not practical(or else we would be Lord Buddhas all) it comes down largely to not having too many expectations out of others, and very little from your own self too, because Vik pointed out that having too high expectations/standards to meet for yourself will always make you unhappy. Fair enough.
3. To make others happy. This one sounds pleasing at first, for all moral science is based on this paradigm of spreding joy and helping others and the idea of being nice to others for feeling good about yourself seems a reasonable mix of selfishness and selflessness, which Vibhav pointed out, is probably at the core of happiness. This transitiveness (courtesy Shantanu) also, though sadly, translates to a dependence on other people, the ones that matter, for our own happiness which itself is one of the biggest reasons for discontentment in this world. Sigh!
4. A cause/purpose and a hope. Essentially you need to have something to do in life, something to work for/look forward to, and you should be able to enjoy what you're doing, including the process. There lies the need and essence of all the "what's the meaning of my life" solioquys in the world!
5. Lastly and most importantly, freedom. Freedom to do what you want to do and who you want to be. the freedom to choose your own reasons and paths. The freedom to love, and the freedom to fail.

That is essentially how I would sum it up for what you need to be happy. One more thing should be included though, another interesting comment, which I took as this:
In order to be happy, what you need is to really really want to be happy. And then, not to try too hard for it. :)

Tell me your thoughts!

As for mine, thanks people. I got it. Being happy is impossible. :)

What do you need to be happy?

Tricky tricky question.

As many people, as many answers. And not one of them correct, or incorrect.
I'm not even going to attempt an answer, not here at least. But I do want to know yours.
What is it that you really need to be happy?

I was quite in the mood for an intellectually stimulating conversation this evening. Actually, quite starved for it. Life has become too drudge and stressed of late. Too much to do, too little leisure to ponder, and practically nobody to help. Conversationalists like me will die, what less!
So I asked a friend what he really needed to be happy and he never got a step ahead of the good food and lots of sleep step. Sure they're important, but just that much? Is it all? He won't say anymore, primitive aadivasi that he has become, but I want to know what is it that makes different people happy. Maybe the aadivasi is indeed content with that, but happy? Lock him in a room with a comfortable bed and adequate supply of good food forever and he'd be happy? Maybe...people are strange. But I have my doubts.

So you answer me, please. Honestly.

Then I'd fire the other questions I'm playing in my mind with. :P

Strangely enough

People need to be.....



- drunk to talk;
- forgetful to forgive;
- psychotic to be passionate;
- hurt to be honest;
- confused to think;
- crazy to love.

Strange indeed.

Dreams don't come true

Everyone has fantasies, desires, wants. They're pretty and they're important because they make us go on living. We all have them, and so did she. Loads of them. And one of them was a deep hidden desire to live a day in her life on which she was made to feel really really special. A day when someone took the pains of showering love and joy, pampering and caring over her. When her whims were legal, when all of her demands were at least strived to be met. A day when she was made to feel like the Queen of the world, or at least, the princess of someone's world. That's all she wanted, a day of freedom and happiness, with no constraints, where she was free to be selfish, free to be mean, and free to be herself. One day when people she loved wanted to be around her all the time. One day when she could feel the luckiest thing alive.
That someone never really come to her. He did come, promising to her she was special to him, and that he would make her life special every moment, but then, words are mere words.
Dreams are pretty and important, but they're also ugly and hurtful at times, because most of the times, they dont come true.

That's A's story. I don't know what to say to her any more. Can I ask her to believe in her dreams? Can I? But how...for afterall, words are mere words, and those are all I have.

Antaragni 2007

Last weekend was all for Antaragni 2007, IIT Kanpur's cultural festival. Hadn't been there before, so was very enthu to go this time round. The trip was jinxed right from the beginning, as friends of mine equally willing to come along swung from 10 to none on a daily basis, what with the woes-of-fourth-year (CAT, job, resume, BTP etc) making life tough for everyone. So there was a time when my trip was nearly called off because all my friends were busy, and when that was sorted out, everyone's trip was nearly called off because IITD RCA folks didn't book train tickets in time and there were no confirmed reservations!!!

So on thursday, a few hours before we were supposed to leave, the bomb is dropped that IIT wants us to go in two buses, travelling 12 hours overnight, and that too UP Roadways buses (which weren;t even funded by IIT). The eternal question: to go or not to go, surfaced again, with the six of us clear on only one thing : either everyone goes or no one. And then, practical inconveniences were defeated by a hope of fun and relaxed company, the adventure that the trip promised to be, and there we were, on the bus, on way to Kanpur! Personally, it was the first trip I was going on after coming back from Sweden which was really really long ago, and the break was much needed.

The bus trip was a story in itself. I can almost never sleep while travelling, including flights. So I was up all night, and at least another three of us. All sorts of bakaiti, jokes and stories resulted, and by morning I was so high on insomnia and masti that all I could do was laugh like drugged. :P In between came Gaurav's special A1 thalis that he plans to open as a business venture (nutritious isn't it, Gaurav?), Udit's dedications to the 'dictionary', Rohan's antics and Doc's misplaced silences. By the team we reached IITK, the village, we were geared up for an adventure, albeit mundane things like getting registered and finding an acco ate up some time. High on attitude hospitality volunteers proved to be as entertaining as some of the low on IQ organisers. The concept of most of the events was good but the organisation, handling and in some cases the quality left a lot to be desired. Basically it can all be put down to a lack of experience, and the innovation and fun factor was highly laudable. Here in delhi, it's almost exactly the reverse. The competitive spirit is so highly ingrained that tried and tested wins over experimentation too often, and while efficiency and meticulour organisation are our traits, somewhere down the line we are missing out on the fun portion by not introducing much innovation. The bloody gory fight for the trophies has bred a generation of point savvy cultural secretaries and practice-crazy reps. Someone needs to start breaking the circle.

So over Friday, Saturday and Sunday, we basically did loads of crazy things in between rushing from one event to another and pulling each others' legs. IITK had Poets of the Fall and Atif Aslam for the two big nights, none of which I really saw, but some of the other events such as dances, disc, informals etc were entertaining. One of the first things that struck me on seeing their campus was its empty vastness and relatively dead atmosphere as compared to the craziness IITD is during Rendezvous. The place is too huge, and everything is far from everything else. One can't help but feel that on normal days, and with such little distractions (relative to us, of course) what would people do there but study? :P On another note, the campus is so beautiful and romantic, and there are such few girls there!!! What a waste :P

The second thing was how most of the people we saw there, the guests, basically, were so over-dressed. I mean not just the girls but even a lot of guys. People wore funny hats, too much makeup,red and orange pants, short skirts with kurtis, random colour combinations, all kinds of jewellery and accesories, night gaudy dresses in the day and waht not. It got so obnoxious at times I wondered if we had come to Lakme Fashion week or something. :P We even designed a new gesture to indicate the over dressed thing, and that ended up being another private joke.

We ended up winning plenty of things, despite a lot of alleged biases and fraud by the IITK people in several instances. Group dance got second, Choreography got first, Fine arts won a position in nearly everything there was, while almost the same was true for English Literary, debating and quiz events too. Hindi people did well as well, so overall IITD had a good show. I won a debate and a couple of other events. Met old friends as well and enjoyed myself a lot. The crazy things included lots of funny nothings, esp when Moti "touched" a girl. :P

In the finale, however, Kanpur stole the show by declaring no prize money at all and giving us Classmate registers and notepad...yes a couple of small thin notebooks for winning those events!!! That was like the ultimate studapa I've ever seen.

IITK, come back to Rendezvous next year. We're not forgetting anything. ;)

Lesson of the day, relearnt

"A glass is broken only once."





I broke it.





Hate me.

Har subah tere naam se hoti hai shuru
Har raat teri yaadon ko odkar so jati hai
Har shaam tere aagosh kee talaash mein
Bhatakti-bhatakti andheron mein gum ho jati hai
Har pal poochhta hai ye aane wale pal se
Kya teri khushboo sath mein woh le kar aaya hai
Palak jhapakti tak nahi ab tere intezaar mein
aankhen kabhi has padti hai, kabhi ro jati hain

Finally!

Okay, enough of being sad and crying over all that's lost. To hell with it, you know. Atleast I have something. And I'm good, so I can live with it. Enough of staying depressed. Let's get on with it, let's do something.

One important lesson though, in life, if you believe, someone, some people, anyone is going to be with you and there for you always, you are kidding. It's totally false. If someone was there for you at some point of time, congratulations, you are lucky, because that someone just coincidentally happened to be there at that time and coincidentally understood it all and happened to be a nice person at heart so stood by you. If you're counting on such coincidences all the time, you're stupid. If you think when people sing "I'd be there for you..." they mean it, wake up.
Now all of you who wanna fight and debate with me on this, stop it. If you don't, okay, it means you wanna learn it the harder way rather than accepting it when I say it which is the easier way. Fine by me, good luck. :)

On happier note, now that exams are over and a lot of work is due, after the dussehra weekend, it wd get dead hectic again. Wow! :P


***************************

What now...something fun?

Okay, this is one tag I think is really interesting to do. Maybe because it tells you how greedy you really are, inspite of howmuchever of a saint you think you are! It's called "Thoda aur chalega".

The rules are simple. You got to write five things that you do have and are quite fond of/proud of because they really are good/feel-good (at least in your own perspective). These things can be anything...qualities, people, pets, clothes, goodies etc. Then you have to add one adjective to each, indicating what else you'd wish (dream, fantasise etc.) these things to also have. Like the extra free chocolate topping on a five scoop hot chocolate fudge with nuts, chocolate sauce, raisins etc.
An example could be: My super cool super fast car....I wish I had a red-coloured super cool super fast car.

Here's my greed-list:

1. A sensible head....I wish I had a consistently sensible head. (one that can deal with my own mood swings. God those suck!) :P

2. The world's best boyfriend....I wish I had a very romantic world's best boyfriend. :P :P

3. Uncanny knack of pulling some people's leg and getting the better of them with sarcasm/scolding....I wish I had an invincible uncanny knack of pulling some people's leg and getting the better of them with sarcasm/scolding. :P

4. This blog that I love and that has given me a whole lot of lovely people and perspectives....I wish this blog that I love and that has given me a whole lot of lovely people and perspectives was more popular/better-read. :P

5. Parents who are very loving and supportive....parents who are very loving and supportive who were better friends with me.

Okay your turn now....I pass this on too:
Shantanu
Akshay
Desperado
Doc
Vikram
Tapasya
Arpz

and whoever wants to do it :P

Change-VI

Adapting to change is easier said than done. The more difficult part is when change is unanticipated, subtle and steady or unadjusted for. People change with time, and times change themselves. That makes it a lot of variables to handle calculations of and not make an error. And that is when you encounter the fact you always knew anyways, that life is not about calculations, and cannot be lived that way.
I live on a "feeling" and a faith, and it works most of the time. Sometimes, it backfires. Sometimes, the faith is blind. On the whole, still, perhaps, it's a gamble worth taking, but boy o' boy when you wake up and realise how much Ground Zero differs from expectations, that is one rude wake up call.
This summers, or just before it started, I counted a handful of people that really mattered, and that I thought I could rely on. One of them was really close while distant, but seems to have been lost now in preoximity. Unrecognisably lost. Why didn't I think of this change?
Another fought and left for a lot of time, all the time making me cry and grieve and finally when he returned, neither him nor me perhaps are the same for each other any more. We are not the same friends, perhaps can never be. Why didn't I think of this change?
A third, a really important third, is there, yet not there. The times between us have changed so much that something very important somwhere is gradually disappearing, despite our trying for it not to happen. I knew this would happen, I knew we would try, but I didn't think time wouldn't even allow us to try hard enough. And something within would change. Why didn't I think of this change?
A fourth has retreated from being an overwhelming part of my existence to an equally caring yet latent periphery, despite no change in coordinates, except inside maybe. I thought times here were keeping constant, but now I wonder why didn't I think of this change?
One more left, and with that person the change on the whole is only anticipated/nice, but even forseeably it won't last too much. Maybe it would suck even more then, because of current niceties. I shouldn't maybe have let the current niceties happen. Oh God,why didn't I think of this change?

Okay, I guess it's impossible for anyone to think of everything beforehand. Not everything's in my control, though some of this is blatantly foolish on my part. Yes, times have changed. Yes, you and you and you are not here, and wouldn't be, any more.

Change happens, kiddo. Just deal with it.

Smile. Come what may.

I watched you going
till you blurred in the horizon
Right where you left me
I simply stood on
Savouring the last sight
and thinking that you might
once, maybe once
turn backward to see
A separated us, a waiting me.
You didn't care, I hoped till hope
and now you are visible no more
I wonder whether to stay
for if you return
when you return
I want to be right here
so you can find me
but then I wonder
will you ever return?
Or should I move on?
Whatever that means.

There's too much noise!

Shhhhhhhhhh....

In youth one lives as if one is always drunk...

-Aristotle

...and in old age in a constant hangover.

-Phoenix

Different Strokes

Oh yes, I've been missing too long on this blog and elsewhere in this world, and I guess there is no one satisfactory reason for it. I just have been missing. I just haven't known what to write. I just haven't written even when I could and I wanted to. A weird kind of a withdrawal perhaps, for I just didn't feel like even reading or replying to comments on the previous post. I doesn't mean that I've been sad or disturbed of course. Not for the most part. In all senses, it's been perfectly normal with a blend of a thousand different things, just like life.

The last post I had written in the middle of Rendezvous. It was good, it was weird, it was elated, it was disturbing, it was refreshing, it as depressing and it was just the same again. In simpler words, it felt largely weird because for the first time I wasn't doing anything as such and was only watching and participating(won a couple of events too :) ). Had no company, or fixed company for the most part, and the feeling of loneliness in huge OAT crowds scares me so much I didn't even go there save once. Did end up judging Mr and Miss Rendezvous, so that was fun :P
After that it has been back to the usual grind, more or less. Acads are messing me up now, for I've loads to cover up in each course and just can't get in the zone while submissions continue to pile up. Also, get tired too easily these days, something is terribly wrong with the body; the energy is largely missing.

Extra curriculars can be fun and irritation equally too. Inter hostel events in IIT are getting worse by the day, and not in small measure due to over zealous competitiveness by some hostels that sucks the fun out of everything. Just why doesn't the atmosphere in IITD let us relax? Reducing the number of events to reduce load seems to have partly backfired in the sense people have decided to compensate with much-increased intensities, and thus nothing is trivial any more. At times, it doesn't even feel human.

People around me are also messing me up these days, which is to say all sorts of things are happening all the time which adds up to loads of confusion and stress. Someone I barely know is in love with me, someone who knows me too well to know I'm not interested is also in love with me, some people have tonnes of issues with me which they dont want to confront with yet cannt hide, others keep fighting on one pretext or the other, some people want loads of answers from me, some people just silently leave me with questions to fight with, some people I care for are hell bent on complicating their own lives in the stupidest manner possible and that gives me headaches no less, while cruel bosses and demanding subordinates suck the patience out of me. Someone else complains I've too little time to spare, while someone I'd love to spend some peaceful time with doesn't have any. And then there are those who think it's best to leave me alone with my life(?) when they know fully well I can't survive without them.

The number of variables in life has increased so much who can blame me if I get fickle. Or if I feel really lonely and unheard in the midst of a crowd. Or if I don't blog because my emotions change across the spectrum too often for me to write anything.

I know you all think of me as psychotic, definitely now if not already. I also think I probably aim. Difficult and psychotic. But the one thing life surely is, is interesting.

I hope and pray people around me get back to normal, that I can do my work right, and that someone, at least someone really trusts me. IS that too much to ask?

***************************

On a lighter note, watched Loins of Punjab recently. Awesome movie. Mast watch, must watch :)

Talking aloud

There are some things I would probably never understand. Like what is the point of life? The point of my life, especially, provided there exists a thing such as "my life". Sometimes it feels like another of those assumed abstract concepts invented by man to feel better about himself, or to feel as if he's getting somewhere. But say there is not just a life but a "my life" too, what in Merlin's name is that supposed to mean?

All right I am getting carried away, so apologies for a volley of crap. I'm not to rant and not to digress too much here. I'm just trying to think aloud, because I feel kinda strange, kinda weird. I feel kinda empty, albeit there's no reason to. Life is going just fine, in fact better than it has been in a long long time. Everything's good, more or less, I'm happy, but somehow I'm not content. Or even if I'm content, I'm not at peace with the peace. Or even if that is not true, then at least I'm not used to the tranquility. Which is probably why in the midst of perfectly nice and normal 8/10 moments, I suddenly get an electric signal from somewhere within my body that makes me snap off and I don't even recognise what's happened. Unlike a month earlier, I do not grow depressed when that happens, simply because there;s nothing to be depressed or sad about. Life's a rosy picture! But I just grow puzzled. Okay, I know this must be too much for anyone who's still reading this for when I cannot understand me, how can you. But chill, I'm just thinking aloud, so you may leave now, or laugh and leave later. I've no qualms with being left.

Or maybe I do, but not now, not of being left by YOU now, but being left back all the time in the broader picture. Bah! Insecurity again. Incurable? Whatever! I don't see much of a point in getting insecure, or getting scared of ebing insecure. Either way it's a waste of time. What I'm more interested in ( or should be) is understanding what this strange tranquility is doing to me, and why is it even there? It's strange because it's tranquil simply by the virtue of being eventless without being comforting, indolent without bein endearing. To my mind this is an irreversible change that Sweden and all that I went through in those months did to me. The left alone loneliness was something I grew up with, but it was a year back that it really hit me full force, especially when I had the leisure to examine and belatedly feel the impact of past events. I'm strange in the sense that while I'm not short of people I care about today and who care about me today, I have not one I could say with any degree of faith that he/she would care tomorrow. I'm jealous of people with close friends, very good friends, lifetime friends. I'm jealous of people with stable, committed, lasting relationships. At the moment I'm jealous of people who can randomly call up or walk up to somebody at 10 minutes past 12 in the night just because they want to speak to someone. I'm jealous of everyone who doesn't feel lonely in a crowd, who doesn't feel uncertain of everything and who doesn;t feel a meaningless emptiness inside. I'm jealous of everyone who has someone to return to, who's a someone they want to return to, every evening. I know nobody has everything, I know I'm better off than about 80% people in the world overall, and I know I feel jealous over stupid things, but you know, these feelings are so petty they throw me to the ground face down and make me realise that I'm just a petty average useless human being. Just another in the crowd.

And that kind of a realisation hurts in a weird sorta way again. For the following two minutes, several currents and pains and cranps appear between the heart and the stomach and make you cringe in an unexpressable pain. Then it disappears, as if Misery's moment of glory is lost. Then I can smile again and rewind and play one of the lectures I distribute to everyone for free. The everyone that changes all the time until it would finally disappear.
I have no clue how life would turn out in a few months from now, when the few people I still rely on for support and living would also leave. Will I be back to where I started seven years ago? I guess not, simply because I don't hav the same innocence, grit, habit and absence of memories any more. Then what?
How long would I be an anchorless river, hitting at banks and boulders and walls and cliffs, getting drained of water, waiting for the sea? How long would I endure? How much before I get tired and quit?
How soon am I allowed to pack up?

How long would you guys stay?

Woh ladki

Woh jo mujh mein se hi nikal kar mujh mein hi sama jati hai
woh ladki bahut yaad aati hai
woh jhapkaati hai palak, fir apni hi adaa par sharmaati hai
woh pagli bahut tadpati hai
woh shaksiyat khurafati, har subah ankhon mein utar aati hai
raat hote hi dobara gayab ho jati hai
tanhai ke andheron mein, andhere ki tanhaiyon mein
woh jo apni khamoshi se shor machati hai
woh ladki bahut yaad aati hai

woh jo man mein aaye woh karti hai bina soche
woh jo chahe thukrati hai
uski isi himmat se darti hai duniya sari
woh fir bhi bahut ghabrati hai
woh ansh hai mera, woh meri pechchan hai
fir bhi mujhse nazar churati hai
woh rooh hai meri, par mujhse hi naaraz hai
woh ladki bahut yaad ati hai

Acquisitions and takeovers

I used to believe for a pretty long time in my life that at the moment when you're making a big mistake, during the moment itself, all you've got to do is stay alert and you'd know and feel it's wrong. Now, either my alertness and reception systems have all gone bonkers, or maybe the theory isnt really right at all. When you're making THE fucking mistake that you dare not, even the outbreak alert system sleeps off.
Just how stupid can somebody be??

Few days back I was about to write a post that said, Life is Good (BestFriend is back et al :D). But I stayed lazy, Life turned cleverer, read my mind, anticipated my mood and made its move before me to beat me totally.
Beaten flat by competitor. Taken over. Thrown.

Mobile (m)adness

Seriously, how "intelligent" is advertising on mobile phones by service providers? Not talking of "professional"services like mGinger Admad etc, brilliant ideas gone bust, but of the regular dose of phone beeps Hutch, Airtel, Idea, Reliance et al gift us. Some of it actually is good stuff, like more messages about schemes and recharges when my balance/validity is low and stuff, but most of the time, I get stuff like "Click ####### for beautiful pics of Pamela Anderson"or "sexy beach wallpapers"or some funny crap like that. Of course I never click those links, but frankly, I've never got one about hot hunky guys, or any of the male actors. And since the connection is in my name, some marketing guru should have ad the sense to tap female usage by at least remotely targetted messages (unless of course, they've assumed I'm lesbian). Assuming this way of making money is profitable on the whole, they're missing a lot of profit by skipping the women subscribers then, which should be substantial too.

Meanwhile, mobile menace in the age of mobility boom continues.

Cheers to that.

Kidding is serious business!!

Have you seen the Dhara advertisement where the li'l kid says, "koi mujhse pyar nahi karta main ghar chhodke ja raha hoon." and is then lured by jalebis back home. I am so in that mode, except I can't say that line to anyone/go anywhere/nobody's gonna lure me back. All because they think that at 20, I'm not a kid.
Question 1, who the hell is they? Question 2, how the hell did they decide? And question 3, why can't I be a kid any more?

So you and you and they and all of they's friends can please go to hell, because the kiddo mode I'm living in for the last 2 hours is bound to stay some more. I LIKE being a kid. I LOVE being silly. What's anybody's problem in that?
Why can't you people see me happy? See I'm happy, [shows you a thumb], do what you want to do. (And I'm happy and I'm ranting, which proves you can rant when you are not sad. QED. Yey!)

The point is, the bade log of these world are all jerks. They just lovvvvvve complicating simple things and then complainign how tough life is. They can't answer a single question kids ask properly and completely (no aukat only!!) and still say they are the ones who know more stuff. Kids are good, they fight, but in that love now, slap after five minutes and kick throw bang boom cry complain smile again at ten. Adults fight stretchign stuff so long that nobody can possibly remember what the dispute was, and all they keep to themselves is big biggg words like discomfort and selfishness and adjustment and small biggg words like ego and sin. Huh!

Everything is actually so confusing...a few days back I was telling a friend.." So, your gf did this thing wrong, and though it hurt you then you can easily understand it was a small unintentional mistake and you already claim you'd forgive her if she comes to you and apologises. Right? So, tell me, why this if. If you can forgive her then, why wait or her to come and SAY sorry before forgiving her in your heart. Why stay bitter? Why prick a hole in both your hearts? Don't you even love her this much that you can forgive her without her actually physically asking for it?" And he was looking at me as if I just taught him rocket science!!! Double huh!!

Mujhe nahi rehna is bekar duniya mein aise....
People just invent reasons to be sad. You're "supposed" to grow up and act sane. Why the hell? You know what, if you wanna act all adult, then please go ahead and act adult by pampering me and jhelofying my excitements and tears and moods etc etc in that truly adult sort of way and derive the adultish post-pampering satisfaction out of it.
I'm cool with that. Instead, what you'd do is lecture me how I'm supposed to become as 'sensible' and 'sophisticated' and 'mature' as you!!!! Triple huh!!!

Just let me be ok. Kids are cuto ( kiddos are cuto-er). And everybody else is really really gandu.

And remember, it's ok if you don't understand me/like me/love me/like to pamper me/can't jhelofy me, it's OK. just lemme be. Lemme be silly because I like it. Just dont take stuff to heart. Just dont make me guilty.
Just dont make me cry. ForI've noone to lovingly wipe the tears.
Hope *you* got the point, honey!

Cheers to stupidity!! :D

:) :) :)

Dear BestFriend,

I know you don't read this anymore.
I know you simply don't care.
I know it doesn't even affect you now.
But everything is certainly not fair.
I don't even remember what the fight was about
I just remember I never fought
I just remember you're still the same for me
How can you not even give me a thought?
I cant stop missing you.
It hurts really bad.
Please forgive me.
Please come back.

Wajah

Yoon khud se nafrat karne mein hi mashroof na raho
Kisi ko tumhare pyar ki zaroorat aaj bhi hai
Yoon na baitho aankhein band kar ke duniya se mooh mode
Is jahaa.n mein kuch na kuch to yakeenan khoobsurat aaj bhi hai...



**************************


Raatein poochhti hain mujhse tere mehfoos ehsaas kahaan hain
Seher mujhse gaayab silwaton ki wajah maangta hai
Khalipan jo bas gaya hai mere kamre mein teri jagah
Dil mera uske hone ki wajah maangta hai

It's a mad world

Beautiful beautiful song. Must listen...
Thanks Zyborg!! :)


All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... mad world
Enlarge your world
Mad world

Growing up pangs

Guess what's really tiring...
to act sane all the time!!!

And yes, sometimes it really is "acting", this listening to mind, applying thought, doing the 'correct' justifiable thing, being sensible process...because the heart wants to be crazy once in a while, act, think, feel, crib, cry without catering to reason. Kids are the best, really, you get to act all foolish and all crazy and still be counted as cute for that. The other day a friend of mine said that if you observe little children, their activities, mood swings, restlessness all resembles a drunkard :)...and maybe it is to recapture that freedom, albeit temporarily, that adults seek refuge in alcohol etc.

Staying a kiddo forever is what I would do if I could, but I can't. :(
I have to use my bloody brain everywhere, make the effort to think, not act up because I simply want to, not expect pampering, not behave whimsically or unreasonably and do those grown up things like thinking realising understanding accepting.

Yuck! Growing up can be such a pain.

Between freedom and independence

Do good fences make good neighbours? If yes, what of the invisible borders that exist within members of the same family? Random question it may seem, but blame it on the book I spent reading most of India's 60th bday and a little after: Husband of a Fanatic by Amitava Kumar. I've been keeping really busy of late, so apologies for absence on blogosphere, but despite the meetings, work, classes, people schedules that I've been juggling I did manage to write a long post on the book and the ensuing thoughts, but only managed to accidentally delete it :(
Anyhow, what's lost is lost, and I should hope to do the catching up soon, but as far as the book, which I haven't yet finished is concerned, it's a non-fiction about India, Hindu-muslim divide, riots, emotions and Gujarat. As long as one sifts out the truth from the slightly biased tone of the narrative, it manages to be fairly disturbing.
India@60.co.in has still got a long way to go. We perhaps, are independent citizens of a not-so-free country.

On to lighter topics, last week in a debate I was conducting, a junior I've probably never seen me before addressed me as Phoenix. Mildly surprised and mildly amused, when I later asked him his name in the course of the event, he simply replied as "Anonymous" :) It's a blur really, this line between reality and virtual existence. If there is a line, that is.

More updates soon, hopefully :)
Good night.

Back, for sure

On days when everything happens at once, when you're so tired that you stop thinking, stop feeling and are purely able to enjoy the grind, the pressure, you can be satisfied life has accepted you to go on with it for at least a little while more.
That's when you know you're back to 'home'.

:)

PS Do I sound like a workaholic? Or a psycho?

300.

"Our arrows will blot out the sun."
"Then we will fight in the shade."

Not bad for inspirational stuff, right. Good movie this was, 300. At least if you could just enjoy the cinematography and gore and think of nothing else. :)
Among other things, triple century for the post-count on the blog. Wow, that IS a lot of crap, right! :P
For the rest, life is doling out a lot of crap interspersed with moments of activity, nothingness, fun and discovery. Pain inside you, pain around you, and a superceding survivor's instinct to fight, to live, till the sun's blotted out.
I guess I'm doing well still, and life will do, for the moment :) There's just one problem, too much faith, trust, hope has been destroyed -deacayed or killed, and it's tough learning to live with voids.
But never mind, there's no fun living without tough things to do. As for now, time to celebrate the 300th issue of crap on a Public diary

The Wind-up Bird Chronicle

"Things that appear to be complicated- and that, in fact, are complicated-are very simple where motives are concerned. It is just a matter of what we are looking for. Motive is the root of desire, so to speak. The important thing is to seek out the root. Dig beneath the complicated surface of reality. And keep on digging. Then dig even more until you come to the very tip of the root. If you will only do that, everything will eventually come clear. That is how the world works."

-The Wind-up bird Chronicle, Haruki Murakami.

Once again, it is indeed simple to be happy. And tough to be simple.
I know one trick to do that though. Works sometimes.
Just look at yourself, observe, think, analyse, understand, as you would do for another person, or for yourself in your memories, only this time do it in the present. Look at yourself right NOW, from a distance.

Back, maybe.

It's an unspeakable relief to be back in college. Howmuchever bad, dreary and alone things may have become, IIT is still the best place, still the real 'home' I got.
Being in the fourth year is a strange tiring feeling in itself, as if the spark within you has passed over to the younger generation, and you're just there to watch things happen. Add to that the elongated existence dual degree students like myself have got engraved in their destinies, and you get a confused, tired, not even final-yearite 'senior' who, really, is only a little girl yet.
Once a kiddo, forever a kiddo.
(hopefully)

But then, it'd be lying to say things haven't changed. They have, quite a lot. Friends and acquaintances are few and far between. People I've spent most of my time in the past are either not there or not interested or are too angry to even look at you like dear old Best Friend. Academics are tiring, pointless. There's little to keep you busy, little to keep you going. Either yawn in the class, stare at the strange crowds at the wind-t, fiddle with memories and might-have-beens, teach yourself more and more numbness to avoid hurt, or else just lie down in the room, reading, staring, sleeping, wondering, etc etc. What a life!

But there are silver linings, and some funny goals to look forward to, e.g., hunting for cute fachas, doing some of the work, chat up strangers, think of the plot of the upcoming story, and yes, eat chocolates.
Thanks catalyst.

The three of them

[[Fiction]] [[Part 4, concluding]] [[Part 3 here]] [[Part 2 here]] [[Part 1 here]]

Who am I, I shall not answer. For I'm nobody, nowhere, and yet everywhere. I'm the one who listens to you when you sob in your pillow in the darkness of the night, talk in the air on solitary walks, curse under your breath, and wish with your eyes shut. I'm the one who talks to you when nobody's around, helping you decide the right from the wrong. I'm everywhere, yet nowhere. But I know you.

And I know them. All three of them. Her, him and him.

They are caught among questions, desires, doubts and fears of love that are theirs, yet not theirs alone. They are caught because they love someone more than their own selves, even if they don't realise this, or realise who it is. They could be anyone else, for their stories are only painful, not unique. They are nameless, not heartless.

I know the time has come when I need to help them. I love them, their spirits, too much to let them kill themselves like this. I have to take responsibility and figure out a solution to whisper to them in their ears when they are not seeing. I have to infiltrate their dreams and show them the way out. But before that, I must know the way out myself.

And I don't.

It's a shame, really, but I don't know either the correctest or the least painful way. They say Destiny is powerful. Crap. I'm a slave to their wills and their choices. It's their choices that will tell me what is correct, and that's what I'm going to wait for now.

I'm going to give them the choices.

To him, I'd ask, does he love her or not? If he does, is he ready to trust her again? Is he ready to forgive her if need be? Is he ready to correct for what he knows he's done wrong?
If he doesn't, is he courageous enough to tell her that? To free her? To apologise and let her go?

To her, I'd ask, does she love him, or him, or even herself? Does she remember love means respect, integrity and honesty? Is she willing to be honest with him, and him? Is she willing to break the shackles of self-pity and selfishness and bare herself to the two people who have known and understood her the most? If not, is she ready to guarantee herself to be happy in the future?

To him, I'd ask, do you remember friendship, even more than love, is about respecting your friend? Is he ready to sacrifice and yet stay happy? Can he accept and forgive? Can he forgo and forgive? Does he realise that in becoming a lover from a friend, he needs to remember to remain being a friend first? Is he courageous enough to confess? Is he courageous enough to hear a confession and judge on merit?

I'd ask, and I'd let them choose.
Then, things will happen. Break or join. But happen. One of them may end up dead or wasted, or all three may stay happy. Destiny can't tell.
But they can. Soon they'd choose.

Meanwhile, I'd have to stay my toes. Either way, lots of tears are going to fall. Someone has to catch them.

Me, and them

[[Fiction]] [[Part 3]] [[Part 2 here]] [[Part 1 here]]

Friends are precious. It's as hard to find them as it is easy to lose them. At least that's what I've learnt in my life, and that's why, I'm always conscious about holding on to the few good friends I make. Not that I've been really successful so far. Sooner or later, everyone who I've loved and cared for has left me. Either fate, or distance, or silly misunderstandings/inevitable ego tussles have caused me losses and pains at regular intervals in life. Often, I lost trust in this world and everyone in there. But life still goes on.

Four years back I fell in love. She was a really pretty girl who studied with me. For almost a year, all I did was look at her and dream of her. Then, suddenly, luck shone on me and we became good friends. One day, I told her I loved her. She said yes; I couldn't believe it. But eventually, that didn't work out. A few months later she said she never loved me and thought we weren't working out. She wanted to leave. I let her.

It was with this, and other lesser ghosts in my life that I spent all my time struggling with, when I met her. She was this bubbly energetic girl with a knack of making anybody feel comfortable enough to share unconfided secrets with her within a few meetings only. At least that's what I did, and when I found cheer and hope in her comfort, I also discovered the loneliness in her life and the darkness beneath her cheer. I knew about her boyfriend from day one -- all of her friends do -- and when I met him I quite liked him too.

In fact, I remember that my first thought was they look great together. My second was a pang of jealousy. I subdued it.

I've never quite understood why he was indifferent to her to the extent I saw it happening. But she never complained of him. She always said she must understand his constraints and problems. But too often I saw the light in her eyes fade away after a brief phone conversation with him if I happened to be around them. Initially, I did not think anything of it. It was their life, their way. And she always insisted he loves her even more than she does. She always insisted being with him was her only happiness. .

Other than my friendship, she would add as an afterthought.

That made me happy.And indeed, happier I've been, more than ever, around her. She's too funny, too silly at times and always cheers me up. She doesn't like talking about her too much though, but when I insist she sometimes confesses she feels lost and gloomy, as if she can't understand him anymore. At times, I have this undying urge to comfort her, to take her in my arms, to make her the happiest girl on earth. And, I must confess, become the happiest guy on earth myself by being hers.

By taking his place.But that would be so wrong, wouldn't it?

And so impossible.

In recent times I've found myself thinking a lot about her, her smiles, her presence, her impact on my life....and them. From what I've heard from common friends, they have been the nicest and most perfect couples around. But in the last few months, I haven't seen her smile after a meeting with him. She tells me silly things and is so grateful if I listen, because she feels they are not worth listening any more. I wonder why.

The one thing I don't doubt is that she has loved him a lot. But her warmth and affection towards me is unmistakable too. She says she probably can't live without me. What if...what if...the love for him has faded now?

Can I....No.

That would be an insult to our friendship.

And what would he think...me stealing his girl!

She has given me a fresh perspective to my life, and I can't insult our friendship by hurting her feelings and making her deal with the guilt of hurting me just because she doesn't love me back. I don't wanna lose her, and I won't. My job is to be around her and support her, and that's exactly what I'm doing. Already rumours are afloat there's something on between us. I think I should increase distance between us a bit, so those rumours die down and nobody bugs her...or tells him something untrue. Even if I wish it were true...sheesh..wished it were true.

I wish one could control love.

Me, her and him

[[Fiction]] [[Part 2]] [[Part 1 here]]

Whenever I think back about my life, I can't help feeling I've been largely lucky, esp in the last few years. I was always a serious, shy, responsible guy happy, even if not content, in my little world of family, career, music, books and small dreams. I was never one of those guys who are surrounded by girls most of the time, as friends or otherwise, but I am not sure I really wanted to be. Still, growing up made me more gentle, more open, less content and perhaps less happy too. But all that changed quickly when I met her. She was just like any other girl, yet like no other girl I had seen. She was fun to know, she seemed interested in just the same things I was, and she used to read my face and my mind like nobody in this world could, save Mom I guess. We quickly became friends, but I felt so comfortable with her, so open, so light, so happy that before I knew I was thoroughly addicted to her-her gentle nature, her frank smiles, her opinions, her anger, everything. Smitten I was, and I knew it was love. She suddenly looked the prettiest girl around too; she understood me, I adored her, we felt the connection.

And one day, she told me she loved me. That was the best moment of my life. With her I was happier than I'd ever been. My friends would exclaim they hardly recognised me because I was sure the comfort, the contentment and the pleasure showed on my face. She trusted me so much I felt scared at times, scared of hurting her or unknowingly breaking her trust. She has always been complicated, hard to understand, but I felt sure I knew her, I am sure the love in her heart for me is enormous. The first time I kissed her, I knew she was my strength. And I became hers.

Since then it's been so much time we've just grown used to each other. It's been seven or eight months now since life took us on different paths. We thought we could withstand the distances and still be the same with each other, but today I'm forced to wonder, even though we are still together, are we the same? Something has definitely changed, and she has been saying so for a lot of time, but I never admitted. Perhaps because I was afraid it could be my fault. But now I'm sure it isn't my fault.

I remember the day six months ago when I first saw an unmistakable look of pain on her face over lunch that I didn't understand. Maybe she wanted to tell me something, but I didn't get a chance to ask that day. Later that night I recollected some recent instances when she had felt like she was on the verge of telling me something, moments when I hadn't pushed hard enough and moments when I was so stressed or tired or busy with work I deliberately overlooked it. It was true, there had been a lot of stress in my life lately, and though she sensed it and urged me all the time, I didn't have the heart of telling her for I never wanted to burden her with my problems. And the unwillingness to talk had been my excuse for an unwillingness to listen. Some days later then I asked her, and she literally broke down in my arms. She didn't tell me everything, but she said she was feeling very lonely, very scared, and she asked me why I had changed too. I tried reassuring her, tried making up to her and she felt happy again. After that I didn't ask and she didn't say anything for a lot of time. We would talk daily, then weekly and now on and off, but it's just because I guess we've been too busy in our lives and there's nothing except routine to talk of. I guess all relationships mature. New friends, new work, new problems kept me occupied and I thought less and less about her, simply because I was sure she was happy in her life, with her new friends and new work, including him.
When she first told me about him, with enthusiasm as she told me everything, I quite liked him. We both appreciated each others' friends and he seemed a nice guy and she seemed to like being with him. She'd try to tell me all about him and what they did, but at that point I didn't listen too seriously. Life drifted along. She was still the same for me, the girl I loved.
Or maybe she wasn't. She stopped telling me things, fears, dreams, whims and all those crazy things she always had. She stopped yelling on me when I'd forget calling her for a week. She still asked questions, I always replied I had nothing to say, and now, unlike before, she silenced at that. I thought she had matured and understood and it was all fine.I felt like I should do something, but didn't know what, and hence did nothing.
I am not insecure about her, but I always have wanted to protect her, and thus when I found my strength and solace in other people and sources, I stopped bugging her for those. Now she could live her life.

Except, what if I was wrong? An old friend told me today how she is always seen with him these days, how he seems to be the one she most trusts and most laughs with, how people who knew us both are almost sure we've broken up. My friend thinks heloves her. He also thinks she loves him too.
I told him it wasn't true.

But what if it is? My girlfriend, the girl who (I thought) always loved me so much, is she cheating on me?
All these months when I was protecting her from all problems in the world by struggling myself so that we could be happy later, was he stealing my princess from me by working his charm? He I dont care about. But does she really truly love him the way I believed all along she loved me? Why hasn't she told me then yet? Why is she pretending he is just another friend and I'm still her world? She doesn't care these days if I call or not, she doesn't beg me to meet her anymore, she always says she has nothing to tell me. I noticed the change, but I always thought it was because she was fine and understoond my constraints properly. So what if I'm too lazy or too tired to remember little things she says, she always forgives me. But is all this because she doesn't CARE any more? Because heis better looking than I am? Because maybe he kisses better than I do?
Does she kiss him with the same passion?!!?!?
Then why should she lie to me and pretend everything was normal? That bitch, enjoying two men devoted to her at the same time. And here am I, always thinking of her happiness, never allowing myself to take a crush on another girl seriously for the sake of loyalty to her.
She's cheated me. She's not mine any more.

But what do I do now? Should I ask her? What should I ask?
But she'd feel I don't trust her. What if she gets hurt? But I'm hurt too?

I don't know. Maybe I should wait...maybe I shouldn't have ever fallen for a girl like her at all.

But I think I still love her....or the old her.

Why did you do this to me?

Me, him and him

[[Fiction]] [[Part 1]]

I still remember quite clearly, the time I fell in love with him. The memory of those days and those events never fails to amaze me;it surprises me how I could fall in love with anyone, and more, how could anyone fall in love with me. But at that time, it felt the most natural, the most perfect thing. He was everything I wanted; we complimented each other to an astonishing degree. I listened to my heart and confessed my love. Those were the best days of my life.

Being with him has been an entirely new, much more colourful and much more complete life in itself. Even once the initial craze had faded, though it lasted a lot of time for me, it was the best thing to have happened to me. He was intelligent, good-lucking, very understanding and very loving. He had his flaws, whims, fallacies, yet he was perfect for me. Somehow everything worked out sooner or later. We didn't fight much and apologies exceeded disagreements at all times. I never had a future, or a certain future at least, with him, but it still was bliss.

Then, unnoticed, things became to change. It started with the distances of space and time we started living in, seeing each other very infrequently and hardly talking a half hour per week. Yet, it seemed smooth on the surface till a very long time. Actually, still does. But I don't know when, I, and perhaps him too, started feeling the emotional absence of love and support. Conversations are not just infrequent now, they are difficult because I don't know what to talk. When this phase started, I used to try to talk, tell him my deepest fears and joys like I always had, but increasingly I found him unwilling to listen, and thinking of the stress he was already under with his own issues, I silenced myself. He, on his part, had been too silent for quite some time already, and my questions and urges evoked no responses. He seemed to appreciate my silence, and thus irrespective of my lonely pangs dying to cry out to someone, I kept him out of it. The functional relationship with almost no functions that emerged out of this over a period of several months, is all that I have now. But still, I love him the same.

I think.

Because there is him whom I don't know what I feel for. He came to my life in one of those lonely pangs' stage, and with his good nature, patience and warm affection, soon became my close friend. It happened in a relatively short time, but I think we both just clicked, and even he used to like him when he got to know him as my friend. I was happy, or at least, comforted, for he gave me the comfort, the ears, the shoulder to cry on that he hadn't, or couldn't. I've grown very attached to him now I think, and the fact that he's always there for me makes him the most dependable and delightful company I have. As good as his company.It's great to have good friends, but I have a fear. I think I depend on him so much, I am already in love with him.

But is it possible? I've never loved him less. I can still die for him.

And him.

Can someone fall in love with two people at the same time?

A Small Mistake

Bit by bit
fall to pieces,
dreams that never came true.
I was wrong;
I wasn't made for you.

Shredded to bits
are all those moments
When I believed in thee.
I was wrong;
You weren't made for me.

Eyes never looked
in the same direction
To understand you never bothered
I was wrong;
We weren't made for each other.

Denial: Think it over

"Would you really, honestly blame someone who's been forced to live in self-denial all his life, if he proceeds to start living in denial?"

We the People

I start with a line I read on some blog a few days: "The spirit of Indians as a people is over-whelmingly warm; yet, the warmth and instant connection one may say between Indian and Indian is sadly found wanting when it comes to Indian and India." Also fresh in my memory is a question raised in a book review I was reading last weekend that asked: "What does patriotism mean to the common man?"

Rhetorical, yet worth thinking the question is. People are peculiar, especially the moment you start attributing general characteristics and tendencies to them in groups, and of all peoples, Indians have their own well-earned reputation for peculiarities and eccentricities, which is both laudable and remarkable in its own right. Now, keep aside the initial images of frenzied media hype, of rhetorical loud Sunny Deol dialogues, of "Ae watan, ae watan..." Chorus-singing competitions in school, of war movies, Pakistan, of saffron, green and white that spring to the mind when one thinks of "patriotism", and then think what does it really mean to you. I'm afraid this is a question quite tough for most of us to answer, especially honestly and unambiguously. What is it that you really feel for your country? And what is it that you really need to?

I have to admit that my brief stay abroad actually went a long way in helping me reflect and develop a deep perspective and appreciation for India. Once I was away from it, I could see the identity of the nation and its people and its characteristics, I could also appreciate its strengths, weaknesses and complacence from a third-persons' view, and most of all, I could determine whether I actually felt the 'love' for the country separately from the immediate environment where I resided the way I had been accustomed to proclaiming since childhood in "I love my India.." songs.

I believe that a temporary period of distance from anything that's been an integral part of our lives so much that we've hitherto always taken it as granted, always produces either of two extreme reactions in the mind: either you realise its deficiencies, lack of necessity/functionality etc and discard regard for it to a great extent in favour of new-found replacements, or you realise its importance/your regard for it, miss it and actually value it more if and when you get it back. People's relationship with their nations are also like that. People who move abroad either being hyper-actively and enthusiastically 'Indian' or begin scorning at it as the developing, full-of-social-and-economic-evils place.

My own opinion here is not so important, although I always rejoice as I increasingly see people in my generation preferring India as the place to work and to reside in even to the disadvantage of lesser evil and coming back from visits abroad as students charmed by the 'holiday' but yet feeling like coming home. So much for brain drain. The point which finally got me to write this post was the other end of this mass patriotism, or whatever it is that we feel, that leads us to aggressively establish our identity and connection with an Indian. It's the same aggression and natural bonding that you'd see among any two Indians who accidentally meet up in any part of the globe on a metro station. It's the same aggression a cricket match unites people from all strata of life otherwise ready to kill over religion, caste, quota in supporting eleven men wearing blue. It's the same aggression because of which Kalpana Chawla's achievements are proudly labelled Indians and celebrated in mass hysteria, tears and joy. It's the same aggression which makes one track Sunita Williams, who's never been to India, as she lands safely on Planet Earth.

So far, so good. But there are questions unanswered.

Is this aggression good or bad? Is THIS what patriotism is and should be? If yes, or acceptably yes, then why isn't that aggression visible between Indian and India like between Indian and Indian? Meaning thereby, why don't we protect the cleanliness of our roads, the harmony of our society, the poor of this India, fight the corruption and let our pride work for removing its deficiencies than hiding them? Why the "chalta hai" attitude there? And then again, the other question, we aggressively proclaim Sunita Williams as Indian, but why not Salman Rushdie who's actually far more connected to the country and its culture and brought equal if not more laurels but has been banned and banished here. Why disown Indian doctors in Australia found guilty of terror attacks while continue to aggressively acknowledge and claim pride in Silicon Valley's Indianness?

Too many questions right. I can't answer for the people of the whole of this country, but even as far as I'm individually concerned, my mind is still too busy figuring out the right middle path between zealous exuberance, pride, shame, responsibility, prudence and lastly, patriotism.

Hum logon ko samajh sako to samjho dilbar jaani

ulti seedhi jaisi bhi hai apni yehi kahani

Phir bhi dil hai hindustani....

What Women Want-II

The one super-simple thing about women than men don't understand, and continue to call them (girlfriends, moms, sisters )infinitely impossibly complicated (which may or may not be true) is this:

Guys, when you don't understand what she says what she says or doesn't, or what she does and why, when she looks at you with eyes of expectation of something you can't figure out what, or with a silence you can't interpret (or one those thousand situations), don't fret too much, just look at her and tell her you love her, and say it like you mean it. More importantly, say it like she feels you mean it. And for that to happen, better mean it. Don't ask me what would repeating something so 'obvious' help? Just do it and watch the change. She knows anyway that it's hard for you to really understand the issue, but to calm her down to that knowledge, she needs to be convinced of your trust/sincerity/commitment. Try it.

Girls, what say?