Vacuum-II

(continued from here)

He was right when he said that eventually the moments, the memory, the nostalgia, the pain, the loneliness, the real you...it catches up and then you can't run anymore. As I got to know him more I got to sense some of his pains, his fresh wounds, his undying love for her, his hatred of himself for letting her down and losing her...all this was there, and his eyes weren't opaque anymore either. In the translucency of those eyes I understood a lot more than what was said, and I knew unless he stopped and faced himself, the facade would consume all of him. He had to stop and let the pain pass through him before it caught him, and somehow it was my job to help him realise that. He was right, the memories eventualy get to you. Today I almost feel the same sensations of pain and helplessness I had felt then when I wanted to help a friend. I miss him.

Is dil mein yaadon ke mele hain Tum bin bahut hum akele hain

It wasn't as if I was the one helping him. I was just the one pointing at the problem and the solution, both of which he knew, both of which lay right before he eyes, both of which he didn't want to see. He was the one helping me by being a mirror to my life at points. He was the one who helped me be strong and faced things in my life. He was the one who helped me be courageous enough to go ahead and fall in love.

I never admitted it to him, but there were moments when his eyes became perfectly transparent and reflected my life, my thoughts, my unshared secrets, my complexes, my pain. I never admitted it to him, but laughing with him on inane things, quietly sitting by the side when he sobbed in silence, being a part of the frenzy weirdity myself in his world, in all those moments, I had chosen to trust him as well. I never admitted it to him, but he was my best friend.

And then, like all things, good and bad, that phase came to an end one day. The hows and the whys are almost irrelevant today, nothing I want to remember for they were absolutely trivial. Just like that, one day, it was time to move on. He knows he can come back to me whenever he needs me, and that's enough. Just like that, life had become happier, peaceful, busier, farther and now I had no space in his world either. And I didn't feel bad about it, for it wasn't bitter, only natural. I didn't even feel worried anymore for she is back to take care of him, and for her poise and her loving heart, she is among the most adorable people I know.

I felt...almost nothing. I just missed him. Still do.

Aa jao laut kar tum ye dil, keh raha hai...

Vacuum -I

Fir shaam tanhaii jagi
Fir yaad tum aa rahe ho....

Life was a hustle, an escape and a chase following each other at arbritary time intervals. Life was getting dissolved in the hustle of every single such moment, and I knew he didn't mind it. What I didn't know was why. Everytime I looked at him, his eyes were opaque. They betrayed nothing except a stone cold numbness. And that was baffling for me, for I could sense something was wrong but couldn't put a finger at what and where. To be fair, I didn't know him at all -- well almost, we were acquaintances and I saw him almost everyday.

I knew I could be grossly wrong in what I felt and interpreted, yet, I was intrigued enough to observe closer the traces of silence in his almost unending laughter. He was hard to overlook in any social setting, such was his aura. He was weird at times, borderline disgusting occasionally but mostly downright hilarious. He always stood among his friends, he was just not the same as them; they were ordinary, mostly useless and wasted, but even though he was constantly around them and did the same kind of things, something about him was different, deeper. And just like him, that bit about him was impossible to overlook as well, at least for me, that bit where he was only unanswered questions, that bit where he apeared the anti-thesis of what he otherwise came out to be, that bit which finally forced me to confront him with a careful question, "You're unusually noisy today. Something wrong?".

I still remember that day distinctly. I knew I had to be calm, confident and look straight in his eyes when I said that. To my credit, I managed that. That was the beginning of our friendship.

Fir jaan nikalne lagi hai
Fir mujhko tadpa rahe ho....

"You know, all day you run from something..."
"...myself"
"and the thoughts in your head.."
"...that too"
"...but I don't think you ever escape.."
"maybe, but most times I manage to keep those ghosts away, immersing in activity, crowds, noise, waste, the world..."
"...the world is never on your side, otherwise the lonely moments which bring you face to face with yourself and every single thought in your head would never be able to catch up. But they do, sometimes, don't they?"
"...yeah, eventually, I so hate it. (pause) Don't do this to me."
"Ok"

(Part fiction, part real....to be continued...)

Four zero zero

Similarly, just because this is the 400th post on this blog, it does not mean it is any special.
Or 400 times saner/useful/less(or more) crappy than the first one.
Real life isn't even interesting enough to be suitably perfectly gray.
Still, smile, come what may.

Falling out
of love
is as soundless
as falling in,
only much much
much slower.

In my head

We all hate being taken for granted, yet the people we love the most, especially our family, are the ones we take for granted all the time. People can't live with each other, or without. I mean, more than six billion on the planet, yet the amount of loneliness on earth is astounding. Isn't that ironical? We spend years waiting for a few moments. It's driving me crazy.

You never realize how much you love someone till you seem to be losing them, or till you see them hurt, a hurt you could have probably prevented by being there for them, and then you can't stop crying. Why can't people just always be there for those they care for? What is the point of loving if you couldn't show up when it mattered, if you couldn't give love when it could heal? Everyone should have people who could be their strength, and who would trust them unfailingly come what may. Otherwise it gets so so alone, especially because so often there are such people in our life and yet we don't have faith, or don't believe they really care, because they aren't there for us when we need them. Nobody should feel so helpless.

And nobody should have to stop talking when they realise no one's listening. Because it makes people do crazy things. Negative energy is as powerful as positive energy. And when you realize you're losing someone because you didn't support them and weren't there for them when you needed to, there's no feeling worse than that helplessness, that guilt.

Dialogue from yesterday's play:

One of these days, I'd be gone. You'd be gone too J, sometime, but in the interim, don't spend time wondering how it would have been had you given me some more time when I needed it, because in that moment of pain, I won't be able to be there for you.

Sometimes, you're both the criminal and the victim.

Of lurking past

Found this in an unfinished story I must have written sometime.

I just don't think I can ever get over you.
We've come across a long way, a long long way, yet there are moments where I suddenly feel as if we were back there in those moments, as if nothing ever changed. I know it's silly, but just in those fleeting moments, I feel as though I'm still living in that moment with you...the moment which I guess I never let go of. Just like I never really let go of you.
It's easy to say; words, what are they, one can say any damn thing and make it acquire any damn meaning if one wants, but just saying doesn't make anything happen. It was easy to say what I said about moving on. But I just don't think I can ever get over you. And I know I should, I must, for the sake of my today and tomorrow. Where are you today...who, what are you...I don't know anyway. And I don't wish to. It's just the you of that one moment that I haven't let go of, that I can't get over. There's nothing else other than that. Just a small empty feeling that occasionally surfaces to remind me it exists.

The excerpt made me realize a basic fact:

People never really forgive some things, especially themselves. That's the doing of our conscience.
People also never really forget most things. That's the doing of our sub-conscience.

My embarassing moment

When this happened I was five, at most six, years old. There was this guy S who lived on the ground floor of my building, and as far as I can recall, was just a few months younger to me. He must have been a playmate of some sort, for I vaguely recall running around and jumping stairs with him and a couple of others on weekends. Most probably he was the only guy in my friends, which weren't many at that particular time as I lived in a creche with not many kids and also had a two-yr old to bully at home, and I'd known him since I was born. He wasn't in my school though.
One day in school, in sports period, I clearly recall sitting on my favorite swing when a sudden activity emerged at one corner of the park where some of the girls of our class started gathering. Out of curiosity I went near them, and I realised they were talking in hushed whispers about "boyfriends and girlfriends". It was a relatively new, taboo idea in the India of early 90's, at least in primary school, and people really didn't have much of a clue about it.

I had exactly two notions about it till that point: 1. It is something people are usually embarrassed about if openly known and essentially is grown-up, stealthy, love against the zaalim zamaana kinda thing. 2. The whole "liberal" feed of girls and guys could be "just friends" and people shouldn't be gossipy or make a big deal about it.

Anyhow, the big scandal that day being liberally doled out in every eager pair of ears was that some fourth class girl in our school had a boyfriend in her class (trust me, schools these days wouldn't even react to a news like that). And so I listened to gasps, chuckles, curious "did she kiss him?" reactions all around me, while I distinctly remember at least one guy staring at us from a distance. There must have been more masala of this sort which I don't recall now but a few minutes later, I suddenly found a few stares at me, for I was standing quietly so far without any contribution of news or excitement to the group.

"A", the unofficial leader of that pack, asked me: Do you have a boyfriend?
My first reaction was a stumble: "What is a boyfriend?", to which I got a little frown and a cheered "A boyfriend is basically a boy who.."
"..is a friend", I finished.
And for no particular reason, I added, "Like S, who lives near my house, he's a friend.", which instantly turned into a roar of "She has a boyfriend", "S is her boyfriend" spreading as the new round of ear whispers right before my eyes.

That's the oldest real embarassing moment I can recall. It took me a minute to start protesting, "not that way A, he's just a friend", but it didn't work. Not for the rest of that day, although it didn't stick either, because afterall it was only a baseless gossip, but somehow, I don't remember playing with S almost ever after that, and a couple of years later we moved out. Perhaps I was scared, or embarassed, or caught in some complex I couldn't handle in Class II.

I don't know why I'm suddenly reminded of this incident today, after all these years. Most memories of those years are vague, only some flashes are clear. Perhaps I just wanna know how scared, how embarassed and in how much of a complex am I today, 15 years later.

Partitions of love.

Aman stopped right next to Kashish and looked into her eyes, a look potent enough to melt her heart. She smiled back.

They walked beside the road, and to her ears the noise around was perfectly inaudible. It wasn't a part of her world. Only Aman was. Not even she was herself allowed in. She was just listening to everything he said, and also what he didn't. And saying it with her silence.

She laughed at some inane thing he said. It was miraculous how that laughter came easy. He wanted to have an ice-cream. Kashish wanted to buy just one for the two of them to share, but she knew he'd frown at the suggestion...too much PDA. She bought two butterscotch bars -- she knew what he wanted, and she'd learnt to love everything he loved. Except herself.

Aman looked a little tired; she started telling him funny stories to cheer him up. All her joys were his. Then she squeezed Aman's hand and told him how great she thought he was, and how good his smile was. He smiled, she laughed back, and said,"You should leave now, take this cab here, I'd return".
"Is it convenient for you, this far?"
It's all about you, Kashish told him and smiled once again.

Walking back alone, remembering the moments just past, she stumbled and fell on the ground. The first cry of pain was the reflex, and brought Aman's name to her lips. The second was a silent cry, that numbed all pain and brought her back to reality. She stood up and barely managed to limp back. Her struggles were still her own.

Edit: As Maverick pointed out, I do think this sounds better and more real with the roles of the guy and the gal reversed. Your take?

Home

All day I walk in a crowd, alone, and do not flinch
But feeling lonely at home in the nights does pinch.

Think songs

Time to do Vik's tag. Pretty fun, I couldn't stop...:P Just got to pick random phrases and then write in song lyrics that you associate with them. More on his space..

'The' moment:

Ek lamhe mein simat aaya hai janmon ka safar

zindagi tez, bahut tez chali ho jaise

Wine, Women and Song:

Ye jo mohabbat hai, ye unka hai kaam....

mehboob ka jo, bas lete hue naam...

The tiny-winy corner of your heart

Zara sa dil mein de jagah tu...

Moving on

Tere bina zindagi se koi, shikwa to nahi

tere bina zindagi bhi lekin, zindagi to nahi..

Dreams unlimited

Bas itna sa khwab hai

Anything for you, ma'am

Mujhe fir tabah kar, mujhe fir rula ja

sitam karne wali kahin se tu aaja

Everything for you, sir

Aap ki nazron ne samjha pyar ke kabil mujhe

Dil ki ae dhadkan theher ja, mil gayi manzil mujhe...

Life is a sinusoid...

Zindagi kaisi hai paheli high, kabhi ye hasaye kabhi ye rulaye

It happened to me...

na jaane kyon, hota hai ye zindagi ke saath

achanak ye man, kisi ke jane ke bad, kare fir uski yad

chhoti chhoti si baat

It's all your fault!!

Where were you, when I was hurt and I was broken?

Drunken revelry

Hosh walon ko khabar kya bekhudi kya cheez hai

Flickr of hope

Tum aa gaye ho, noor aa gaya hai

nahin to chiragon se lau ja rahi thi

Pensieve

Yaadon mein saji, kuch baatein ankahee

Un baton mein kahin, khoyi hai zindagi

Never let me go

Jab jis waqt kisi ka, yaar juda hota hai

Kuch na poochho yaaron dil ka, haal bura hota hai

Dil pe yadon ke jaise, teer chalte hain...

Happiness is within

Dil hai chhota sa, chhoti si aasha

masti bhare man ki bholi si aasha

Winds of change

Waqt ne kiya, kya haseen sitam

Tum rahe na tum, Hum rahe na hum

Far from the madding crowds

Paas aankhon ke sabz manzar hai

dil ka mausam to fir bhi banjar hai

mehki-mehki si kuch ghataon ka

umr bhar jo milein un panahon ka

Screw it.

Is pyar mein, sach jhoot ka

hum faisla kar na sake...

Tagged:

chakoli, pooja, geetika, arpana, daman...and whoever is game!:)