Give me some sunshine, give me some rain!!

...give me another chance, I wanna grow up once again!!!

What a wonderful movie. Thoroughly entertaining and enjoyable from start to end. Despite Kareena Kapoor, despite a couple of really slap-stick jokes, despite a few slightly "message"-ful scenes in the first half and despite the fact that it's said to be inspired from a largely crappy book, this one is a real gem of a movie.

Love Aamir Khan, love being able to relate to the movie so much, love my company for organizing everyone to see it. Worth seeing at least a few times for being a movie that manages to have the right mix of emotion, entertainment and substance for the most part.

Go watch 3 Idiots people, it is the Andaz Apna Apna of 2009! (and show it to your parents)

Being 18 again

The most unexpected of things has happened. Or at least, I am guessing that's what it is.
The chaos in life is back. The sinusoids are back. The random events, random people, freshness, impulse and wide range of emotion within a span of 24 hours - they are all back.
I don't feel comfortably numb any more like I did a few months back - neither of those two, actually. I almost feel like I'm 18 again - in a much different, older, almost-23 kinda way, but I almost feel that craziness of life. Things don't make sense. People seem different and distant., and nobody's close enough to keep me protected, so I can be wild again, wandering around like Brownian motion. New people and random conversations keep appearing every few weeks from nowhere, adding spark to a life that's suddenly started looking highly unlivable every few days . The stress is killing me. The loneliness makes me want to cry. New unexplored adventures make me happy and unleash energy that I have no clue I had. I am making new connections that don't make sense. I am "feeling" love and pain and joy and disappointment, and given that I'm almost 23 and not almost 18 and hence considerably more cognizant (also have significantly less margin of error and license to thrill) it feels different.

The adrenaline is back, don't know where all this is going to lead.
Whichever way, I'm loving it.

The art of not caring

There's one thing I have to give to Mumbai: it's one city where by and large people will leave you alone as long as you don't fall in their way. The apathy or indifference or whatever you may choose to call it, is fairly high, and there are both good and bad sides to it.

On one hand, there would be people like my deranged lunatic landlady who only care about getting more and more money out of you and be completely unsympathetic to your point of view. People will largely refuse to help you out of any humane instincts, only if it profits them somehow. The fanatics will get away with whatever speeches they want to make and the govt will get away with not doing anything because nobody will care enough to question, and those who comprehend will not care enough to vote.

But on the good side, it means by and large you can be yourself and random people would not stare at you. Neighbors will not get nosy even if you consistently come past 2 am at home. If you manage to stay away from the moral police types, you can conveniently walk hand in hand with a guy, wear skimpy clothers, get sloshed etc. And you can sit at Marine Drive alone at midnight, stare at the dark sea and cry all you want for an hour and nobody would bother.

I feel slightly lost in the hurried sea of people running about me. Part of it could be being forced to grow up so soon, and being so alone in all of it. Dunno. Nobody cares for anyone, and that's why they just add "take care" and absolve themselves of any responsibility and concern. Nobody expects you to care, either. Is this what it's like to be an "adult"?

If you care, you just get disappointed all the time. If you don't care nothing matters so you are never upset
- Calvin

Maybe I'm over-reacting. It should get better, right?
Life is not easy, but it's still good.

All I am..

... is a small kid in a big, bad, confusing world.

Sigh..

Bits and pieces from a consultant's life: Chapter 1

Three months is a long time in consulting - long enough, I reckon, for me to begin writing my memoirs. In any case, the rate at which my hair are graying and my memory cells degenerating, I fear I'd be too senile too soon to remember any of this. :)

Many, many people have asked me what do I do as a consultant. Depending on the context and the person quizzing me, I find a different answer each time. But if I were to reflect and give a neat three bullet point summary (rule #1: There are always three points about everything!) about what I do just to myself, I think I'd struggle. Being a consultant is being so many different things at once, from a hardcore analyst to an efficient networker to a top class call center executive as you adopt both their lifestyle and cold-calling skills. Being a consultant is about learning and unlearning a lot of things really quickly - from being a manager to being a
waiter taking food orders ( :D especially true if you're the junior-most member on the team!).

Last month we were in Kuala Lumpur for regional training, and one of those team-building/ice-breaker games was built on a speed date format, meant to give us a chance to know and interact with our colleagues from other offices. It is amusing how invariably "How's your work-life balance?" was one of the top three ice-breaker questions, and how people found solace in knowing people elsewhere were just as screwed as they were. It was an-almost cheerful feeling of bonding.
The people around you are the single biggest reason what keeps people doing this job. I'm really lucky though, I work out of office for this project and it's a series of pranks and cracks at one another, interspersed with some work. Absolutely adore my team, even the bosses (except when they become too bossy :P). More than anything else - even more than the fact that I enjoy what I do despite obscene hours- so far, that's what keeps me going. Making fun of my 'boss' for wearing a pink shirt, or sending silly emails from each other's accounts to the entire floor, I suppose that's all I remember now.

I've been told I'd be a different person, at least in terms of work and work maturity, at the end of one year here. I don't know how true it is, but I sure can feel some growth, and all I wish for is that I'm still the same person at heart. Silly, naughty, sensitive kiddo.

There are several joys of consulting, and there are several pains. But that's true everywhere, isn't it. There are thrills in consulting, and that has somewhat fewer parallels elsewhere in the world. There are also kills, but let's not go into those. :)

Cheers to living another day.

330 am

As I woke up my building guard yet another time this week, at an ungodly 330 am of the morning, he added, alongwith his usual sleepy marathi gaalis, "Sunday ko bhi sabse late?" Given that the taxi driver dropping me off had already asked if our call center worked sundays also (the Meru guys are now used to the 2 am phone calls from or office address), I wondered if it was a happy thought that I returned home at night happily alone as my team slogged another half hour in office or whether it was just sad to be happy about it on a sunday night (or monday morning!). It is a beautiful time of the day, with silent streets waiting to wake up, the sea watching the shores like a watchdog, the stray cars, policemen, couple and bunches of random people loitering around, and enough silence to let you talk to yourself, with whatever energy left. Some days though, the newspaper guy beats me to my home, and once in a while my roommates look at me bewildered because I'm back home before they've slept off. Both are amusing events

This city, and this job, has so far kept me off any monday morning blues whatsoever.

Random notes

As life drifts apart
should we try to hang on
or just get up and leave?

Why do something "better"
if it cannot keep you happy
if it wouldn't let you live?

As we grow up,
it becomes easier to accept
and harder to believe.

The questions we ask
are more important
than the answers we give.

Fast(!)Forward?

Came across this interesting article in TOI. Reminded me of a discussion I recently had on how quickly people have started growing up, and how there are at least a couple of generations that have passed in the 6 years it's been since we left school. I mean seriously, people in your early/mid 20s, have you felt how quickly life has changed for those only 4-5 years younger (even less!). When I passed out of school, having a girlfriend in class was newsworthy and relatively rare; only three years later, anyone who didn't have one was almost an outcast. My brother is only 4.5 yrs younger than me, and in his lifetime has went through (at least) 4 relationships, while me, sadly, is still stuck stuck on the first!
What just happened?

A lot of things have gone from being super-tabboo to super-normal in the last decade, and some of us (maybe not us, but someone a few years older) are caught in between the two worlds where pre-marital sex was a huge NO and love was a pure romantic illusory notion, to the other where 15 yr olds regularly buy morning-after pills.

The world has opened really quickly for India in the last 15 years, and globalisation has started to make not only markets but even cultures more uniform in east and west. Not surprisingly, extreme fascism and intolerance has also suddenly grown in India in this period, as sudden changes become inpalatable for some and they react violently.

When (if at all) and how will we strike a sustainable balance?
What will happen to this generation of today's school-goers?

And if people start having "relationships" as early as Std 5, with no maturity to handle them and most of them unsupervised and stealth without parental guidance, where are we going?
In west, dating, esp in the first few years, is permitted and controlled by parents and guardians, making it easier for people to handle the floods of emotions and stay safe.
Our society does not have that safety net yet as most parents have not woken up to the world their kids reside in, and strict oppressive rules no longer work - it's almost like a free market capitalistic bubble waiting to bust.

It's worrying, and damn, I already feel old!!!

What's going on?

I haven't written here for like forever.

Even about things as cool as a rocking Malaysian visit with associated adventures, few tons of workload, a really close friend's wedding and recruiting at IITD campus.

That says something about the mad sleepless rush that life is. High adrenaline, lots of action.

I'd be back.

Sidenote

When I hear myself sometimes
the apathy does surprise me
but not for long, no -
it doesn't really make a difference
and it's sometimes anyway
Let's just go with the flow.

Temptation...

...is there a way to fight?
Other than listen to Mr Wilde?

The allure of the charming, the resistance of the pure.
Bend, break, survive, endure?

Life is on vacation mode, stepping back from running too fast
It sighs and wonders about the question it seeks to ask.

Why we the way we are, and what are we tempted to become?


**********************************************************************************

The nicest are those that smile, and the most dangerous as well.
But those really far apart, are the ones I miss like hell.

Single, in another city :)

:)

So, I'm in Malaysia for this week. Landed here in KL yesterday morning and spent an insane highly sleep-deprived highly fun day (after the sleepless week just past). And today a few of us slipped and skidded in a tropical waterfall cum jungle. Feels good to escape the work routine, if only for this one week training (there's still some work to be done by the side, but much easier to be unreachable here :))

Long day tomorrow. Meanwhile, think up a wishlist that I can get you from here !! :)

Will be back with stories soon. This city is cool. Could have been more romantic though. If only.... ;)

...

It's just been one of those days where nothing went right. Except I got to sleep in an hour or so extra because my work was tied up to a client meeting in the afternoon.
Everything else, has pretty much gone the difficult way. Not horrible, yet, but difficult and painful.
And I just can't think straight right now, with a mountain of work in front of me. Work that I barely understand and deadlines that are likely to leave me dead, literally.
I still can't work.

Pardon the cribbing, but more and more these days, I get the feeling this life is not worth living. Despite the job, the city, the people, the love, the hate, the dreams, the pain - all highs and lows budgeted in - there's no point in existing. It's like an NPV negative investment, my life.

For once it's not the drama queen throwing out words. It's just something I can't explain anymore. Or have the guts to face.

Caught in a time-wrap

What is the deal with time? Either it does not move, or it flies.
Right now, the weekend that went feels like it was about two or three hours at most. And at the same time, last week and the last post feel a year ago.
Indeed, I was in Delhi little over 24 hours ago (for the weekend - campus recruitment work, etc ) and even that feels like at least last week. Damn it, I miss it (and all the people there) already!

Just what is the deal? Is it this city or this job? Or is it me? Am I aging 10x quick and on track to become old and wrinkly and fat and ugly?

Sigh...but on a lighter note, I have much better questions to ask. Like why are there so many rich people in (certain parts of) Mumbai. It's almost obscene, in the middle of the slums. And the kind of things these people buy. So you know, one day, I braved myself to try some shopping (really needed some clothes, otherwise, shopping is the boringest activity ever for me) and spent what felt like half a day (~45 mins) looking at stuff that I wonder who buys (esp at that price) and then another hour to pick up some stuff at fabindia/pantaloons that I could fit into. Seriously dislike shopping, esp alone (unlike my very girly and pinky boss (:P) who goes shopping...oooh..new stuff...wowwww types ) :D

This weekend, as I said, I was in cool, hazy delhi for work+fun. It didnt feel alone at all, though the public transport sucks in comparison to mumbai. I hate my company for making me shift here.
And making me shop alone.
Among other things.

Like missing living where the heart is.

Single in the city: The gutsy and the have-nots

As I frusta-o-ed yet another time sometime recently how suddenly everyone around seems to be getting married - it's especially freaky when your batchmates and even juniors start announcing wedding dates/ borth of their kids - my friend just said, they're not crazy, just lucky. They have figured out who they want to spend their lives with before everyone else.

I conceded the point. People who found the right people for them, and the courage to back their heart's instincts and take the "leap", they're worth being jealous of.

Maybe.

Single in the City

Yes, I'm back.
A million apologies are due for this prolonged absence from this page, rather, from blogosphere. You can blame this new job for the most part which did not leave much time, and more importantly, any energy to come up with something suitable enough to go up here. For other than the most part, I accept the blame. I'm just really lazy. Besides time not working is for sleeping. And surviving Mumbai. And discovering Mumbai.
Right?
Wrong. Surviving Mumbai is easier if I share it here. And hence I've decided, I'm going to be more regular on this page (yey!) even if it means boring you and you and you with crap. And for lack of creative insight, I'm going to call it the "Single in the City" series.
Once in a while though, regular stuff will keep pouring in and out.

Deal? Thumbs up? Let me know.

For now, for this one post, let me assume it's a better idea than nothing, and getting everything from requests to pleas to orders to threats about updating the blog! :)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Among the things that I really love about this city, is how nobody ever stares at you. Unless they're tourists from Delhi. You get the picture? You can walk down the street, alone in the middle of night, or hand in hand with your boyfriend, or in skimpy clothes at 1 am, or with a bunch of noisy friends and almost nobody will ever turn or stare back at you.

Maybe people just don't have the time - this city moves so fast, everyone is always in a hurry to get somewhere. Maybe nobody really cares - in a city of 2 crore people and way too many celebrities, you're well and truly a nobody. I don't know. But what I do know, is that this anonymity is fairly liberating. Somebody like me who's lived all her life in a city like Delhi which teaches you to be really conscious and really protective about your surroundings, life in Mumbai feels like a safe, blissful haze. It feels a lot less about you, if you know what I mean.
And hence, even in the mad rush, it gives you a few minutes of space to just step back and reflect, to ask a few questions, and to listen to the silence of the infinite sea and sky.

Spending too much time with yourself, too, is a hazard in a place where you're essentially alone and often lonely. My job tries to compensate with presenting me loads of crazy days where all I do is somehow wake up to get to office, only to come back home post-midnight and crash. And the past week stretched the midnight into early morning a bit too consistently, so it was essentially one long sleep-deprived stretch where the mind refuses to work. Which is good in the sense you're too busy to be bored, too sleepy to be lonely. And you don't have to push hard to find someone to go out and spend time with forcefully at least one day of the weekend, because it's legit to sleep.

But keeping busy is awesome, the breaks throw up interesting thoughts. And for someone like me who prefers skipping the office party to just lying down at the Marine drive for 45 minutes all alone, it's a refresher. And life does start feeling good again, when the woman selling roses on Marine Drive stops by and kindly offers, Chinta mat karo madam. Aapka friend aa jayega, which helps me break into an instant heartfelt laughter.

Yeah, I'd wait. What I'm waiting for, shall come.

:)

Occupational Hazards

Everywhere I go these days, a certain kind of questions naturally pop up in my head:

How does this business make money?
How to optimize this process to make it efficient/cut costs/increase reach?
Why is this guy doing this job this way?
How can he make more profit?
How big is this market/margin?

Everywhere, I tell you, from neighbourhood paan kiosk to the Big Bazar checkout queue.

I bet designers constantly analyse street fashion, teachers consistently look for cues to teach effectively and doctors see germs everywhere too.
Side effects of the job, phew! :(

Single and available???

My colleague at work was complaining yesterday, how all the nice guys (half-decent was her choice of adjective) in this world are taken and how we suddenly live in a terribly super-committed world. One could feel the agony in her words and see it in her eyes - "..and they don't ever break up either" - and now when I think about it, on one hand I still know a ton of people (esp guys) frustratingly single and ready to mingle, but that number (esp of the good ones) is definitely going down alarmingly. Have the times changed, or have we really become so old and settled in life? People I know are getting married for God sakes. Will I ever be able to find someone 'half-decent' to 'settle' with, *if* God forbid I ever want to, in another 2 or 3 years?

That is to say, should I start panicking about dying a maiden just yet? :P

On a related note, does anyone know any cute available guys in Mumbai? :P You are allowed to self-recommend, but self-introspect first.

On another note, I did a ton on household shopping yesterday, and fixed dinner and breakfast. I like the rhythm of things moving. :)

And does anyone know, why does every shop in Mumbai, including Dominos and Barista, have their shop boards in Hindi (and sometimes marathi, but that's logical) alongwith English? Curious.

Somwhere in the middle...

Here, in this world, things happen too quickly sometimes. And at other times, they feel as if the sameness has consumed all your life.

Here, in this world, I feel a little weird, trying hard to belong, yet the convoluted detached style of living of all the 'mature', warm and friendly grown-ups around me feels so unreal. What is missing?

Life is a roller-coaster, and should you forget that, it makes you a consultant.

I cribbed when they ruined my farewell three weeks back. Should I crib now, when I was just about getting the hang of this routine and I've been suddenly asked to leave the project mid-way onto something new, in 'hometown' Mumbai.

Bottomline, here I am, all alone at a swanky airport, cribbing about flight delays like those regular consultants, wondering just where is life going. Yes, this is it, that point where I need to go make my 'home' in an unknown city in a job that grows stranger by the day. Without any help, far away from those I love. Welcome, Mumbai.

It's just me. And my life. I can end up the happy all-conquering superwoman with a gazillion new friends, or I can end up the overworked fatigued depressive maniac.

Like most things though, I suspect, this too will lie somewhere in the middle.

The one in which I talk of being corporate, and housewifely

So, I'm a fortnight into the job. Wow. How hectic has it been is evident from the lack of posts on this page and a growing list of to-read stuff on the reader, among others.

Has it been exciting? Yes, I'd say, for the most part. It's a little confusing at times, a little lonely and slightly intimidating, but mostly there's a buzz, so far. It should stay for the first project, methinks.

Has it been tiring? Most definitely. My body revolts at 14-15 hour work days after so many months of lethargy.

What else does it feel like? Slightly weird, very grown up, and all the corporate frustration around me feels (so far) very unfamiliar. The people are good though, and things look sure to get warmer and faster in the next month. And the 35 km commute to Gurgaon is killing me.

Oh, and I got my first salary. :)

The lucky bit is that my first three weekends are all 3-day. Talk about spoiling habits! And so, last weekend I took a wonderful trip to Lansdowne (more on this should follow) with a bunch of friends, that ended up a nice roadtrip and jungle trekking combined. This weekend, I took a trip to my "home" in Mumbai. Had to finish some formalities, and wanted to know how it felt like living in 'my' home (at an outrageous 10k bucks per night :P ). Spent a lot of time setting up, cleaning, buying provisions, mopping, putting up the curtains, making the kitchen functional (cooking the ritualistic coffee and maggi etc) and generally being super housewifely. (My housemate is a little lazy at all this and struggling very hard at living all alone in a new city) Now the home is fairly habitable, though my housemate doesn't intend to cook, so it would have to wait for me to move in to make it totally home-like. There was nothing more to do in Mumbai though (everyone hits at my housemate, none at me :( :( :( ) except watch society Dandiya and meet Yashshri (finally, after several attempts over at least 2 years!) :P

So bottomline is that in the last two weeks I got a taste of the corporate and the housewifely shades of evil, uncomfortable grown-up life, and though it'd take more time to grow into it, and it's gonna be a bit before I have to be a superwoman and do all of it simultaneously, I will survive.

I think.

Anti-climax II

Imagine a heavily melodramatic sentimental movie scene featuring a judaai among loved ones, or a farewell of some sort. Imagine, for the sake of the effects, a teary bidding-adieu moment at a railway station where one person is leaving for some xyz place for long, and in the final few moments before the train is about to leave, looks back at the place people and memories he/she is leaving behind. In fact, add flashbacks, loaded dialogues, background scores or even full-fledged sob-songs to the scene just so the flavor is complete.
So, the person finally breaks the embrace of his beloved people and place, who're perhaps secretly thankful they're gonna get a reprieve from this person but give nice sobby goodbyes anyway, and gets on the train. The train moves a few metres and suddenly comes to a stop. The station master tells you that because of "technical difficulties", the train cant leave right now, and there's a full 24 hour delay. So you have no choice but to go back, bag and baggage, to your home or whatever, and those people who just bid you goodbye and had already reallocated your room have to accomodate you again.

You understand the anti-climax, right?

Well, that just happened to me. :)

Okay, of course there wasn't so much drama and I still retain a room here at home, but you know, I was supposed to shift to Mumbai today and stuff, and everybody said goodbyes (I'd even done the packing!) and suddenly my company HR says, why don't you report in Gurgaon office on Monday instead of Mumbai office :)
Apparently, the project I've been staffed on, the team is in Delhi, so it made no sense to fly to Mumbai on sat and back on Sun because the mon morning meeting was in Delhi office and my ticket's cancelled. Now I don't have any other details at all, including whether this is a one-day, one-week or a one-month delay. I don't know anything yet, except that people who're happily calling me since last evening hoping to say bye, shoo, go to bombay, are being met with disappointment that the teary farewell has been postponed.

So, I'm gonna shift to Mumbai afterall (I'm so not unpacking!), but it could be later than sooner, and I have no clue when. Meanwhile I continue to pay a gigantic rent on a place in Mumbai I'm still not living in, and my poor flatmate has to grapple with setting up the house all alone. All this, when I'd always asked for a Delhi posting in the first place.

Life's suddenly exciting again. Fingers crossed for Monday. Wish me luck.

Phew, welcome to consulting, Taru.

Getting there, somewhere

अंत का आगाज़ है यह
या स्वागत गीत का अन्तिम छंद
Is it the end of the beginning of life
or of something more important, the beginning of the end?

हाथ बढ रहा है आगे एक, क्षितिज की तलाश में
लड़ रहा है दूसरा कि वक्त पर पकड़ बनी रहे|
An excited hand stretches out, towards the horizon limitless
The other struggles to keep its hold, on time running fast, away...

Ghar hai, ghar wali chahiye ;)

In Mumbai, househunting for the past few days, I've discovered how hard it is to make a home. Finally found a decent place, 2bhk fully furnished et al in Prabhadevi, but it's been three days and signing the papers stays a struggle still. Hoping to get possession by tomorrow evening, so I can peacefully return to Delhi.
Not entirely peacefully though, for I still need:

• A third roommate, preferably someone who works in Nariman Point/fort area itself (koi mumbai mein ghar dhoond raha hai kya?! Please batao!)
• to make lists, pack and arrive by 12th, and settle in!

Phew!

Naina

Nainon ki mat maaniyo re nainon ki mat suniyo
naina thag lenge thag lenge naina thag lenge

Even today, those few moments are as fresh in my memory as the raindrops bathing the windows outside. What is it about rain that makes memory zip across to times long gone, and still never forgotten. Tonight, while sleep eludes, I'm once again transported to those years when monsoons meant at least seven days of uninterrupted rain. Tonight, while the enveloping darkness refuses to sing me a lullaby, I hear voices inside my heart that still refuses to get silenced. The brightness of those eyes -- beautiful, innocent eyes I brought endless tears to -- blinds my eyes. I lost my heart to those eyes. I lost the sleep of my nights to an elusive beauty. I do not know what I took away from them, but this rain serves as a cruel reminder of my failure to understand her, her love and above all, my own love, while it still mattered. I wish I didn't let her leave, I wish things were not so difficult. The why that she never asked, is now irrelevant. I could not give her what she asked for; I did not know how much I needed what I got from her without asking.
I wish she'd said something, cried, fought, cursed anything...so I could have realized what I was doing, but she just listened to me, shivered in silence and turned back, tears in her eyes. It was only after she left, and refused to ever come back, that I realised the trail she'd left in my life.

The trail of tears, that makes it rain in my heart, every such night when there's rain outside.

I'm sorry, Mansha.

bin badal barsavein sawan
sawan bin barsaatan
naina bawra kar denge
naina thag lenge naina thag lenge thag lenge naina thag lenge

Bewildered Jumpy Party aka BJP

Indian politics is a funny, dramatic space. Political news has never stopped being entertaining, and games of scams, allegations, counter-allegations, hysteria, white lies and short-term-memory-loss are regularly played out in front of a nation now used to it. Afterall, if they stopped, won't the newstertainment industry go into a recession!

But still, the ongoing drama in the BJP is at an entirely new level. The way the party is falling apart is both amusing as well as worrying. And the apparent reasons are even more bewildering. Sacked for writing a book? Boy, was Jaswant Singh ever this popular, even during the notorious times of Kandahar. And while on Kandahar, the revelations by Jaswant Singh over the hidden truths of that episode are disgraceful to India, and BJP and Advani in particular. They prove that the "strong leader" Advani, who only a few months ago was hoping to become the PM, is a liar. And funnily enough, the ghost of Kandahar came to haunt him in the campaign only because of their now-oft-questioned strategy (of personally attacking Dr Manmohan Singh and his weakness). Now, it threatens to erode most of the residual faith people of India had in the Leader of Opposition, esp because even Arun Shourie, someone widely respected for his intellect, has supported the revealed 'truth'.

Ostensibly Jaswant Singh has been sacked for praising Jinnah and criticising Sardar Patel (a Congressman who BJP revers!). Outrageous as the intolerance and narrow-mindedness sounds, other than being disrespectful of freedom of speech and thought (as Modi's ban shows), here are a few excerpts from the book that must be read because what they indicate is, that Jinnah was a personality so strong that he needed a country of his own to run to satisfy himself. He wasn't necessarily anti-Hindu, regarded Muslim League as an extension of "himself" and just used the religious issues to get Pakistan carved, because within India and with the INC leadership, he'd never have fulfilled his personal ambitions. That is my reading, and that is not very reverential of a man whose ambition led to so much bloodshed and hatred in the last 60+years!

Again, I'm no expert, and I don't know enough to argue. Greatbong does it better. I probably don't even care about history that much, in these difficult times of the present and uncertainties of the future! Why does BJP care so much?

The drama, as it unfolds, raises serious questions for the BJP. It appears to be a party in serious crisis, with no clear direction on what it stands for and where it wants to go. It is a crisis of leadership, as Vir Sanghvi has brilliantly elucidated. The Hindutva line already appears to give diminishing returns, and Gujarat 2002 have permanently given it a blot it cannot erase or abandon, and anything else makes them sound too much like the Congress and takes away not just their novelty but also the RSS Ashirwad. After Vajpayee, the party has constantly been struggling, and the recent revelations about how Vajpayee wanted to sack Modi, or how Advani stopped him from a number of progressive things casts Advani more and more in the grey, and adds weight to those voices that long held that Vajpayee was a great man, but in the wrong party. Advani maintains his usual stoic silence-of-crisis, and that is worrying.

I'm don't know whether Rajnath Singh should stay or go, or whether there's a better way to enforce party discipline than washing dirty linen in public, or whether the party will split in two. All I know is watching the rebel list grow - from Jaswant to Yashwant to Shourie to Vasundhara Raje to even Sudheer Kulkarni, the principal Opposition party is fast losing credibility and is distracted enough to forget its job of keeping the govt in checks and balances, esp in the absence of Left in the political biosphere these days who did the opposition's job regularly while in Govt in UPA-1. That, worries me.


I know I'm attracting the fanatic bashers brigade to my site to grow offended and abusive, but what the hell, not everybody has stopped believing in "freedom of speech" yet!

I?

I like to take each moment as it arises, and yet, when I can, I like to have thought through the worst case scenarios, just to know I can survive it. Heisenberg is God, and uncertainty rules, for both its inevitability and its excitement, yet I need to believe that come what may, it will never be so bad it breaks me.

I hope the irony does not make me weak.

I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad...

India, Bharat or Hindustan?

It's an interesting question: which country do you belong to: India, Bharat or Hindustan, because each of these three popular names have, irrespective of their historical origin, a semantic meaning attached, so your choice indicates your own position and view of the country. Officially of course, India and Bharat are the two chosen names in the two official languages respectively, but Hindustan is widely used in popular usage as well. The difference between India and Bharat in today's times is of the kind Arvind Adiga demonstrates well in The White Tiger as the bright vs dark India, the India Shining vs the India of the poor and the forgotten. Hindustan maybe saare jahan se achha in many eyes, but it has the unmistakable majoritarian "hindu" flavor, not all in sync with the secular, varied flavor of this country. It is also the contrast of choice with Pakistan, by people on both sides of the border.

So for its divisive air Hindustan is not my favorite, and though there exists opinions such as this numerological view why India is a better choice, India vs Bharat is still an open bet.

The semantics of language are the most accentuating part of this contrast, the difference between English, Hindi and the dialectic. It is the difference in the way sections of our nation debate on national, social and cultural issues, from voting to reservation to homosexuality. The nation lives on despite this, among many such, differences, but identifying ourselves on either side of the divide is a disturbing idea.

Because the question still remains, by belonging to a shiny, pacy India, am I alienated from real Bharat?

The girl who needed too much love -I

There was a girl, once upon a time. She needed too much love, always a lot more than her rightful share. Not that she wanted to keep it all hidden somewhere for herself. She returned all she got, many times over. And she wanted to keep giving. But to give a ton, she wanted her ounce. She wanted many ounces over. She wanted simply too much. And all her life, she kept wandering, thirsty for love, simmering from the insides in the heat of her unshared locked up passions. She died with her thirst quenched eventually by a flood of her own salt-less tears. Her greed had stolen their salt and given it to the wounds of her heart, so the heightened pain would finally consume her and end her anguish.

Convocated!

Yey!

I am finally officially out of college. With two degrees, including a post-graduation, no less!!! :D
Master of technology...even sounds heavy! Not that I'm putting that exact degree to any immediate use...the tag is all that counts so far.
Graduate...oops, post-graduate!

I got the award for the second-best all round graduating student. There's been some controversy over the award for the "best" (aka, Directors Gold Medal), but thankfully none over my deserving what I good. Feels nice :)
Also, felt nice to see a lot of people, many we wouldn't see for some time now, and especially hanging out with department fellows.
The official snapping of ties with IITD. Or is it? :)

Now, for the next four weeks, I am officially unemployed, and do not belong anywhere.

No more a student. When that's all I have been all my life! Wow, this is new :D

Unequal

Read this somewhere:

Never make anybody a priority in your life, when you are just an option for them...

Easier said than done. Too much time. Such little to smile about. Going a little crazy. :)

The party

The party was on at full strength. Most people had settled into smaller groups of their own, chatting, dancing, joking, exchanging gossip, or just happily getting drunk. The lights had dimmed down a little; the alcohol had intensified its effect. It was easy to get lost in the crowd.

At one dark corner was Diya, madly gyrating to the rhythm. She had never drunk so much before, but, well, tonight was something else. Every single serene, smiling soul she saw in that room enraged her. She had lost both count and control, and gave in to the pulsating music and the adrenaline inside her. A couple of guys tried to come too close for comfort, but indifferent to the world, Diya danced on in full public glare. Tonight it did not matter.

The opposite corner was equally dark, but much more silent. The music was only the throbbing beats in the air here and the noise mostly chuckles of smiling people and semi-filled glasses. Pavani moved from group to group, making small talk, laughing at a witty remark, listening to a few tales and a few whines, until she finally settled on one corner seat alone, waring half a smile. All evening she'd had this one glass of margarita in her hand, but tonight she did not want to drink. She was bored, she was lonely and she just didn't fit in among the groups of people she was surrounded by. Someone loitered over and tried to flirt with her. She politely focused his attention on something else. And the party went on.

It was a strange party in a lot of ways. It was full of adults behaving in the most juvenile of manner. Diya and Pavani weren't the only souls with their minds lost in the din; many of them had forgotten carrying their souls tonight, and were busy maneuvering the evening to fit their own stories.

From where Pavani was sitting, she could see Diya clearly several scores of feet away. She longed for the carefree expression Diya carried on her face, for the sexiness of her uninhibited moves, for her ability to enjoy those moments. A wave of emotion threatened to choke her, and she decided to slip away from the party. Once outside, she slipped a text to the only friend who might wonder where she disappeared a couple of hours later when the party would end, and decided to walk. It wasn't so late in the night, but the road was fairly empty. A couple of cabs slowed down checking with her if she wanted a ride, but she was content on walking. She kept asking herself, why she couldn't be happy and enjoy herself like Diya did. There were no easy answers, she walked a mile before settling down at a coffee place window, watching the world happen in silence.

20 minutes later, she saw a cab stop across the street and a girl in white emerged, puking. It was Diya. Immediately, Pavani walked out and helped Diya sit on the pavement. She was crying. Pavani paid off the cab, and helped Diya walk in with her to the nearest bench. Diya was crying inconsolably, and all Pavani could think on was to hold her tight.

"Diya, are you okay?"
"Yeah...thanks. I'm sorry...I.."
....

They talked for more than an hour, and both ended up crying by the end. They'd never exactly been friends at office, each a little intimidated and a lot jealous of the other, but tonight they'd found in each other just what they needed. The world had been harsh to each of them, but intertwined between their fingers as they walked that breezy night, they'd found a soft spot. Broken hearts can sometimes mend each other.

My boyfriend's instructions

Do's Act like a girl*! Grow up. Kiss me lots. Be explicit in communicating your needs. Do not keep things bottled up inside you. Be assertive. Dress hot. Be yourself. Love me more than I do. Eat salads. Eat. Need me. Help me study/work. Want me. Have a right on my time. Forgive me. Know it. Be there.

Don'ts Act like a girl*! Age more than 19. Kiss me when I don't like it. Expect. Use me as a sponge for your emotional outbursts. Be demanding. Dress *hot*. Be impulsive, excitable, blah blah blah, a hundred things you are. Love me more than I do. Eat vegetarian food! Get fat. Need me. Ask me to study/work. Be jealous. Ask for my time. Expect an apology. Want to know it. Be everywhere.

Sigh. Any wonder I spend all my energy finding the balance! Such a sweetheart, such a moron. :P :)
Boys...you can't live with them, can't live without.

Information overload

Gyaan. Names. Faces. Roads. Process. Rules. Rigor. Shortcuts. Opportunities. Assessment. Logistics. First impressions. People. Eccentricities. Addresses. Judgements. Rental. Tax. Behavior. Habits. Mistakes. Questions. Communication. Over-communication. Integrity. Hesitation. Truth. Insight. Database. Pivot charts. Money. Hours. Bills. Luxury. Food. Price. Value. Alcohol. Richness. Cheapness. Insecurity. Zeal. Competition. Fakeness. Culture. Help. Hypothesis. Knowledge. Impact.

Who? What? Why?

The beginning.

Healthcare: Unhealthy, uncared for

As a kid whenever I was asked the staple question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?", my answer was always anything but a doctor. I've wanted to be everything from a dancer to an advertising professional to an astronaut and a teacher, but never a doctor, much to my parents' dismay, who always wanted a doctor in the family. (I detested engineering too in the beginning, simply because it was so cliched to become an engineer, but well...) I don't know why I felt that way, though I have a lot of respect for doctors, to me hospitals have always been a repulsive place. I'm not scared of blood or pain or anything like that - indeed I happily did dissections of cockroaches in biology labs in XII std., but I don't like the atmosphere, the gloomy, smelly, damp place, the all-pervasive negative energy, the despair. My parents made peace with my choice, and I chuckled silently watching friends slog out for years incessantly studying to become doctors.

But apart from a personal choice, there is a why to be answered here that I never thought so much about earlier. All my life I, like most of us, have heard politicians speak about health as a priority, read and watched people dying because of lack of medical facilities and/or irresponsible/absent doctors, debated about why healthcare for all is still such a distant goal in India, and of late heard plenty of noises coming from US about universal healthcare etc

And then there was this story in HT a couple of days back as part of an ongoing series about my locality, that got me thinking. Hospitals repel me the way they are; they shouldn't be this way. Why do I hate Max at Saket less than my local private hospital, because for all its exorbitance, it at least does not look so gloomy? But does it need to be exorbitant to be dignified? Why can't our hospitals, esp govt hospitals (the ones that exist) look like the facility in House or Grey's Anatomy? Okay, that maybe a stupid question, when our country doesn't look remotely the same, but the point is, why can't we care a little more? Why are doctors looked upon so widely as fleecers, unethical and careless in a country where we, at the same time, equate doctors with Gods (and with the same fervour of faith!)? This story, also in HT, couple of weeks back, sounded like a positive step. However, the why goes deep, and remains unanswered.

We are heavily criticial of the lack of healthcare facitilites, particularly in villages and poorer parts. We morally look down upon the city-educated doctors who refuse to go work with poor patients in parts of the country that need it most. We are proud of our super-speciality surgeons who perform challenging surgeries on patients from all over the world at a low cost. We want the doctors to be sympathetic, kind, helpful and always right. The smallest mistake is unpardonable because somebody's life is at stake. It is their duty to care. But do we, collectively, ever care about the doctor, the individual under stress? Hear me out here.

What kind of students go on to become doctors? Mostly, not the extremely rich ones - unless they belong to a family of doctors - at least they don't practice/study in India. Really bright students then, mostly from the middle class and the poor. But the poor, in most cases, cannot afford to study for so many years, assuming they do complete school in the first place. They do not have the awareness and the resources needed more often than not, which leaves the crux on the middle class, also bereft of resources. Do you know what a medical education costs?

The competition is deadly just to get an MBBS seat in a profession where "just an MBBS" is so not enough! Students kill themselves slogging to get admission in a handful of institutes, among which most of the private and small-town ones are a joke. But they're all we have. In a country with acute shortage of doctors, where IITs are being carved every month and engineers churned out in lakhs, why is medicine so ignored? And the situation is almost horrific in PG level courses. Less than 1000 seats nationwide, and most of the private colleges demand exorbitant amounts of "donation" for a seat. To meritorious candidates only. A friend of mine who just finished BDS has been asked to shell out 36 lacs for an MDS seat in a college no one has heard of. Over and above all the regular expenditure. Another paid 51 lacs + 10 as fees last yr for some other speciality course.

These people are regular middle class folk. Where do they get all the money from? Why?
And once they finally get a degree and work some more years to establish a practice, having put in ten yrs of hardwork, assets and savings of their parents, govt jobs that pay 25-30k a month are not enough. They cannot clear off that debt ever if they were always doing social work, working in a village and treating poor for free, while not overcharging the rich. It's difficult to be moral for the average 28 yr old.

I'm not making a case for quacks and evil, irresponsible doctors here. I'm saying, at the first step, we NEED more colleges for doctors, subsidised education and high vigilance to curb corruption. We need more PG seats desperately. We need to incentivise and monitor functioning of hospitals, dispensaries etc. We need to incentivise hospitals that adhere to quality stds. We need to involve citizens and get their feedback to give each area what it needs.
We need to care.

News flash

I'd be in Mumbai this Sunday, and will stay on till the next Sunday, 2nd August.
Any of you dear folks wanna catch up an evening/weekend, let me know!
Also, if someone can help me find a home in Mumbai, or knows someone who needs a roommate, be my saviour!!

:)

Why are so many people in marriage mode?

A friend (another!!!) has decided to get married (rather her parents think 24 is late enough to get married) and the suitable boy has been chosen. A casual discussion led to some wondering and pondering, and a series of questions for the liberalised-yet-close-to-the-roots hybrid generation of ours. It so happens that she used to date this one guy in school , for about two years, then another for a year or so in college, and a third for about 2 yrs after college, which got a little serious, but broke off about 1.5-2 yrs ago as well. That, is the "past", nothing wrong with it, per se, for she is looking forward to life ahead with this guy. However, she still wonders about whether and how to clarify her and his past with him before marriage, just to start on a clean slate. Or whether it's best stored in the past?

Now while that is a personal matter and an individual choice, one still wonders how people do it/imagine that they should do it.

• So, were you getting married to someone other than a longtime sweetheart, would you or would you not offer to discuss the "past" of each other, to start afresh?
• If not, what if a few yrs later you come across your husband's ex-girlfriend/your wife's ex-lover now-good friend, would you take it in your stride since you yourself decided to avoid thr graveyard discussion?
• If yes, how much do you want to share/want to know? It maybe OK that your wife had a boyfriend 2 years back, but is it OK that she had a physical relationship with him as well? Or vice versa?

Weird questions I know. Bad timing, to say the least. I don't get any of this/not interested, but with some random bug in the air, way too many people have started getting/thinking about getting married around, and it's getting impossible to sustain conversations. If someone were to ask me though, I think I'd like to discuss and I'd like to know/share things honestly. I guess.

Phew!

It happened to me...

I was walking home this evening, through the same beaten path, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, a memory flashed in my head of an afternoon long long ago, when I walked down the same path, sobbing all the way. Out of the blue a buried emotion stirred a little and stopped me in the tracks. Those were the days when I was happily young and comfortably innocent. Having lived through twice as many years of life now than then, I can understand the circumstances better, but the feeling is preserved as-is.

I was walking back from school to an empty home - bro usually strolled in a full ten minutes later; he had friends, you see - after a particularly rough day. A lot of people would find it hard to believe today what a quiet friendless soul I used to be in school, through most of it anyway. Anyhow, that particular day was a summer afternoon, just before vacations, and I'd been at the receiving end of some particularly bitchy behavior by a bunch of girls in my class. The sad part was, these were the girls who lived near my home and I used to hang out with them plenty in the preceding years. They were never "friends", but for a while they were friendly (plus they always needed me for notes and stuff) and I always strove hard to fit in/find approval with their group. There weren't many options beyond.

They were cool, I was not, they were clever and often mean, I always took it in my stride but the wavelength never matched. But as we grew up, they got plenty of attention and 'friends', and I became dispensable enough to be mean to. It had been going on for quite some time, and even my normally forgiving and innocent self was frustrated enough to just cut off ties with them. I had tried making new friends, and asked this particular shy 'new girl' to sit with me, who had been sidelined so far. It was fine, and I thought I'd just move on, but that particular afternoon, somehow, they all had managed to gang up against me, getting the 'new girl' on their side as well and humiliatingly left me alone.

I told them off with a brave face, but couldn't help sobbing on the way back. I felt helpless, infinitely betrayed, and terribly embittered at the 'world'. I was sure you couldn't trust most people, and that the only way to survive and be happy is to be entirely self-dependent and not let anyone come close enough to hurt you.

The vacation was a few days after this happened, and I got through most of it alone. I did try to make friends in the years after, but never got so attached and never found a lasting bond till much, much later.

The funny part is, whatever happened that one afternoon was fairly insignificant in the whole scheme of events, and I later reconciled to a civil talk-and-walk acquaintance with these girls that I still have, but still, out of the blue, it was that memory that came to me. That helpless, lonely feeling, and the vow not to let the world pull me down.

It's amazing how much of who we are and what we believe is a function of our childhoods. In fact, I have a theory that puts the onus of who we become as people, what we believe and how we behave entirely on our childhood, but more on that later. For now, I guess I'd just be glad it happened to me sooner than later.

Drama, and the lack of it

Even though the scoreline read 3-2 to Federer, most people watching would have been full of admiration and respect for Roddick at the Wimbledon finals. Sometimes, winning or losing truly doesn't mean anything to anyone. And that is other than the times when the competition itself is a total farce, the great reality-tamasha on TV called "Rakhi ka Swayamvar" being a good example. You just have to watch the incessant advertisement to realise that the show successfully manages to be a bigger farce, scripted sleazy shocking joke than the very concept of a televised Swayamvar for a real wedding, even the very concept of Rakhi Sawant. The "writers" of the show deserve an applause though, for maintaining the drama of 100 bollywood movies in each episode, and creating suitable "groom" characters. Wow!

Life meanwhile, is wayyyyyyy less dramatic/ interesting. I live a little, work a little, and survive the rest. Staying at home is almost as bad as I had envisaged, but I'm managing for the time being. I'm enjoying driving/working from home, though am not getting any slimmer :( Something or the other keeps malfunctioning, but overall the inertia is high. And oh, a friend got married almost overnight (less than that, actually) and I still cant believe he did that.
Oh, such is life...

Morning drive

In front of my car at six am
She fell on the road
She had legs I would kill for
but no hands to defend
I braked, resumed, drove away

Time travel must-have!

That feeling...

I don't know how many would identify with or even comprehend what I mean when I talk about that feeling...the feeling when no matter how good or brilliant it is objectively speaking, especially to everyone else onlooking, all you feel is inadequacy, insufficiency and a huge sense of underachievement when it comes to yourself. You cannot voice it or share it, because of course you cannot explain/rationally reason out about it and there would be a huge list of things someone else could point out that you have got going for you. You cannot sulk, you cannot be sad, but all you feel is a feeling of frustration with yourself, for being too slow, too stupid, too inefficient, or not being where your peers are, whatever be the reason.

Voicing it out, however, will always sound stupid and almost unreasonable. So I will stop short.

That feeling is a lonely feeling.

Dream diaries-II

Weird dreams are more the rule than the exception with me, but this one was strange.

I'd omit the preceding parts, the ones which I remember, but this is what I said at the end, and woke up saying:

I'm not lost, just waiting to be found.

Psychoanalysis, anyone?

Me-tales etc

Huh

Long time no see.

You know how it's weird that being really wela is almost as paralysing as being really busy, and a lot of things just don't get done at either extremes. Like blogging regularly. But nothing much even happens these days, and my crappy net connection just refuses to go away to be replaced with something saner.

So, I didn't find a useful intern of any sort. Guess nobody finds me of any use, and the company that hired me last December - well, it's still >2.5 months till I start there and I can already bitch about it! Tch tch. However the incredible soaring heat has reassured me that my decision to quit HT was wise. I have been out in the afternoon twice in the last 3 days and it's murderous out there at 46 degrees, doing that everyday for going to an unrewarding work would have truly killed me.
Anyhow, am planning to help out a couple of friends with their startups, 'if' they find me eligible to do something. Wait and watch, some more. If nothing else things can always get plain worse in 20 days with my bro moving out to new college/hostel.

I'm reading weird books these days, like Caster's blog: A geek love story. :P I swear I see so many of my friends come alive in the characters ;)

I've been gymming, hour and a half daily- actually I skip sometimes so lets say 5-6 times a week - but that doesnt seem to do anything to help me lose the extra flab I'd collected over the past year. :( It's so depressing. But keeping on with it.

Tell me someone, what have you people been upto?
I'm bored and lonely.

..but wouldn't that defeat the purpose?
Wouldn't that adulterate the pain?

Nthng

There is very little to say, such is the emptiness.
Not sadness, nor joy, just a void, and darkness.
From life, I take a break, for merely existing
Reality can happen, stepwise, shakily, certainly.
Tomorrow is beyond knowing, yesterday already over
And today, it's not even happening, not in the sun or in the rains
Today is just waiting, for one day it will be, maybe
But at this moment it crumbles, along with something in my veins

In the interim, again

It's been a week now. I'm home, and while it's not entirely an unhappy feeling, it is weird. Still, if you asked me if I miss IIT, I'd probably not say yes immediately, and that's because it still hasn't sunk in that it is actually over. Yeah, I have a delayed response to all major events in my life, particularly the anticipated ones. I still remember that the fact that I was going to Sweden for exchange for a whole semester did not sink in till I woke up there on my second morning. It is a funny thing though, if you consider how I over-react to so many little things in life.

Anyway, yeah, I quit the HT intern despite everyone advising me not to. It really wasn't doing any value-add (it wasn't as if I was getting any of the girls), and going at 3 in the afternoon heat fora month to do grammar-check wasn't worth it, especially since I'd have to find something for July and Aug neverthless. I always wanted an opportuniy where I could write some, so maybe the area local newspaper would have to do, because learning photoshopping (actually, Quarkpressing) wasn't helping. So am looking for another intern, and meanwhile killing my time with little things at home. Have started gymming though, even started enjoying the daily hour of workout now, so hpefully all that extra flab I collected will begin to melt in a few weeks :)

Will go to IIT tomorrow. This feeling needs to hit me now, before I find myself struggling with Mumbai monsoon alone in a place far, far away.

In the business of news

Today is my last night at IIT. Last night of walking into a messy hostel room and crashing, for quite a while definitely. Tomorrow, I'll pack and move out. Still I don't really feel anything, yet.

Today was also my first day at HT, as an intern. The most dominant thought in my mind earlier in the afternoon sitting there waiting for my mentor for almost an hour was that all those girls we see on the streets of Delhi, in malls and multiplexes, but never in colleges and offices we frequent (and by we I mean girls and (especially) guys at IIT and similar places who occupy an artificially skewed nerdy environment most of the time) - all those girls don't disappear, they work here and places like these! There were guys, about 40%, but it was obvious the fairer sex is the smarter, dominant species in here.

Essentially I was excited about a stint like this primarily for meeting diverse, different people, and to do something different and exciting in itself. The first part does hold, but the work is fairly non-challenging and mechanical. I learnt I need to put in 3-4 hours a day late afternoons and evenings on editing and page-making at least for the next two weeks. Checking stories for spelling and grammar is hardly a value-addition, and I'm already bored and in two minds about continuing a work clearly unfruitful (and one that involves travelling in afternoon heat AND evening peak traffic). That said, I do get to read half of tomorrow's newspaper in advance for the next four weeks.
What's your take? Continue or quit?

Next is what?

So, it's another couple of days or so in IIT, for I dont think dilly-dallying the final formalities could take any more than coming monday or tuesday, and hence the end of college life (finally) and a hostelite mode of existence is definitely imminent.
The last few days have been eventful, but not in a nostalgic way. Just using all the time to spend with friends who'd now be much more infrequent in hanging around than desirable. And once I move back home, there are other issues to work with. Like the fact that BCG has decided our joining to be September 14 (!!!!!) which means finding something to do for the next 3.5 months! Or that they decided to send me off to Mumbai base office, which means fretting over living in Mumbai, finding a house/housemates and all that crap (Help!). And basically handling parents psyched out over these things. Finding an intern is another thing, though I have found one at Hindustan Times (thanks to this blog, partially :) ) for June.
Among all this, saying goodbye to IIT is almost irrelevant, but I will sure miss the atmosphere, the independence and the people once I'm out. That said, IIT feels like it has already left this campus the way things are these days. Things have changed in a way much too cold, and the end of nescafe was probably the last straw.

Onto newer things, now.

The 2009 verdict: a hope, a challenge

In adverse circumstances, when you do not have power to misuse, staying holy isn't too difficult. It may not be the only option, but is the most reasonable one. The mark of character, however, is what you choose to do with power when you have it. In a lot of ways, the verdict of Elections 2009 throws up exactly this challenge to Congress and its trio-at-the-top to establish its character. Every newspaper and news channel, indeed every drawing room discussion across the country, has drawn up theories for why India voted the way it did. For once, the Indian voter has thrown up a surprise to be proud of, a definitive result when everybody anticipated uncertainty and gloom worse than 2004. I believe more than anything it was this fear and anticipation of gloom, horse-trading and a rift-ridden myopic government unable to lead the country in the current global environment that drove people to vote for stability, and the most likely candidate to provide that. For that, at least, we need to thank our political pundits and news commentators who have incessantly , even if irritatingly, driven down our throats the last three months or so the likelihood of post-election scenarios ,and the rise of Third , Fourth, Fifth front which made both Mayawati being PM/re-elections in two years seem dangerously real. In the current scenario, Manmohan Singh was the best choice we had, given not just the inability for NDA to raise the numbers without too much importance to pain-in-the-ass outfits that Left and SP proved to be in the last term but also the fact that the country really needs to avoid communal divisive agendas from dominating the mainstream at the moment, but even Manmohan really has work on his hand now to put the country on fast track of reform, growth and social welfare. In a lot of ways, it is the coming five years rather than the last five that would define for history who Manmohan Singh was, and what his legacy would be.

And now that Congress (almost) has the mandate to independently and assertively work for national good, now that Left has happily been decimated and BSP's rise stinted, now that it's obvious to national and regional players alike that good governance and development will get you votes no matter where and social engineering has limited relevance, I, just like the rest of the nation, fervently hope that our politicians collectively rise to the challenge. Clearly the victory of Nitish Kumar and Naveen Patnaik, and the poor showing of Left, Maya and BJP in Rajasthan show the importance of good governance and its translation into electoral gains, and hence it is a historical intertwining of people's (development) and politicians' interest(power) that is finally evident (one that should have been logical and always present, but that's another matter) and I hope the political class of the country regroups and puts that at their top agenda. For once, I hope it's not too much to expect. Imagine if all our politicians spent all their energy competing to provide development and social welfare, where would our country be!

Maybe, it's just wishful thinking on my part. But if nothing else, the 2009 verdict has provided a hope to citizens like me, and a challenge to the politicos. The times they are a changin'...

A cooking experiment

When someone says love is inside them, how do they visualize it? How do you visualize it?

Try.

Do you see one solid whole thing somewhere inside, just like a heart or a kidney or a brain, one essential alive life-sustaining organ, or even the thing that fills up my heart, and will leave a deathly void if lost, one that makes your chest ache with heaviness and chokes every ounce of air from the lungs? Or, alternately, as an atomized/continuum omnipresence, existing in every single molecule all through you, almost like a plasma or a halo that bathes you, which will give the sensation of pricking needles everywhere in the body, every inch revolting in sheer pain?

Make a choice. Feel the pain. Now add the balm of time to the concoction. Let it burn. Add distance, add change, add solace, add fresh joy and fresh pain. The more adventurous should add fresh love too. Saute till fatigued. Sprinkle a mix of maturity, wisdom and pragmatism. Finally, add hope to taste.

Pick the spoon and sample the flavor. Careful, let the taste linger. Now, can you make out the residual void, in the core or in the tiny overused atoms of the little curry in your mouth?

If you can't, congratulations.
If you can, damn you and welcome to the club.

First love.

Waqt saalon ki dhund se nikal jaayega
Tera chehera nazar se pighal jaayega
Aankh band hogi to
neend aa jaayegi
Raat ye bhi guzar jaayegi....

PS Work of fiction. Rather, part of one. The ultimate conversation, but I can't find the words yet for the other part, hence the post. So don't go all awww on me, just help me find those words. :)

Inside

What kind of a place is this? Sweaty, filthy, lecherous creatures everywhere!! Is this the stuff this city is made of? Do they have no shame? Everywhere I go, I get stared. I can feel it, gazes piercing right through me. Do I even belong here, on the outside? Should I stare back? Will that stop them, or make them come after me?

Oh no, him again! This is the sixth consecutive day, and there he is, at the exact same spot at the exact same time, standing aimlessly, just looking at me. Ogling, rather. And I must admit, in clean clothes today. Would have been cute on someone more human...

Oh-my-God is he trying to touch himself staring at me? Goddammit, I need to break this eye contact. Shit! Why is 100 feet such a long distance that it takes forever to walk through? Especially in my 2k heels. Why is this the only possible way to get inside this place that is otherwise heaven for it houses my God every day for a few minutes? Oh my, A, the things I do for you! For you, I am willing to even live through this humiliation everyday. And the constant teasing of B and N. I just hope the money I stole from N for looking exactly like your Park Avenue types girl is not discovered. The bitch has too much of it anyway. Oh God if she got to know...but see A, you're worth much more than a friend like her to me. Just look at me today ok!

Damn I wish I could come through the front door acting like a mademoiselle like her who you run after. Look at me, I look prettier than that bitch. Brown eyes are better than hazel eyes, and I'm even curvier than her. Oh please, look at me. Once! Oh shit my shoes, this whole under-construction backdoor path is so dusty. I wish I had another option to make you see me, to get inside of your sole. The only thing dirtier is those illiterate construction workers, swarming like insects, dreaming of shinier things. Ha! Ewww...I just remembered him and his stares. He disgusts me!

Ok, my shoes are prim now...honey, sweety, look at me. I and not her deserves to walk by your side from the front door, like your princess. And your slave!! What would I not do for my love...you're so perfect, the man of my dreams. Why am I still so invisible to you, I look just the same as your-types! Not as fair, this fairness cream is taking too much time to work, but still beautiful to you, no. Oh please please please say yes. Five days, five fleeting glances, please look at me today. Please make me mine. You're the most amazing, the bestest guy I've ever seen. Please say you like me too. Please say you love me like I love you. Not hearing it from you, not seeing it in your eyes is killing me.

Oh now the thought of you is making me horny. Ten feet, that's all the distance between us. I want the distance to dissolve, this ten feet, your money and my middle-class mediocrity, your glamour and my invisibility. I want us to dissolve within each other. I want you inside me. What a perfect body you have! Shit I'm wet already. Fuck me, oh please. Feel me A, here press my boob just like this.
You saw! Oh A A A A....these eyes of yours I wanna just...
Hey why did you take your gaze away...hey where are you going...I know you saw me, I know you want me just as bad...come back. Please don't leave me so...incomplete, so unsatisfied.

Shit! You're gone for today aren't you...but no problem, I saw that sparkle in your eyes. You saw me, and you know it too. Admit it, we belong together. I'd be back tomorrow.

Someday, I just know this, someday, you'd be at my knees saying every word I wanna hear and loving every bit of me. Someday, honey, you'd be mine. I'd be inside your world and you'd be inside me.
On a side not, amazingly, the path feels much shorter while walking back and I never notice a single of those ubiquitous worker types.

Farewells

The worst part of being in a 5 year dual degree thing at IIT is that not only your own batch, the 4 year variants, graduate before you, even your junior batch's 4-yr species finishes up a couple of week before you. That's so unfair that it even beats the irony that your department and your hostel actually give you a farewell in fourth year itself because it is more convenient to them when you are not going anywhere! The only possible thing worse I can imagine to top an extra year of torture is being invited to a reunion with the Graduating class 2009 instead of the entry year 2004 couple of decades from now.

So, while I await the final two weeks before the thesis defense, I attended tonight the one farewell that we still gracefully get, the one at Director's lodge. The place is beautiful, the dinner was supposed to be better than it was, and it is kinda nice seeing all those people. And then I was asked to speak something on the behalf of outgoing batch by the dean. I said something random, half out of the last Hostel mag article I'd written, and was thankful that almost nobody was listening, except the profs maybe.

The worst part though was the decision to wear a sari, with a slightly oversized blouse that aids my accumulated fat from the last six months and makes me look soooooo fat, I only realized how horrible after looking at the pics! :( I desperately need to lose some weight, and all that putting off till sem end because I did not want to gym alone and could not sustain exercising by myself turns out to be the worst ill effects of laziness. Time to say farewell to this extra laziness, and the extra flab, eh?

Approval

I have a question: Why do we, all of us, seek approval all the time from a certain finite intimate set of people? This need of approval and assurance, need for all our self-justification for every decision and choice to be backed by a chosen few, why is it so important? And the lack of it, so crippling. I suspect it is one of those things that keep us from becoming inhuman and cold-hearted stones, so it cannot be a bad thing per se. Yet it signifies the stranglehold of the emotional side on even the most non-sentimental of minds and throws open the question of whether we could ever stop caring, whether self-esteem is an entirely self-dependent entity.
The question floats in my mind also because how approval becomes more important when one has to struggle to get it, or when one is faced with a decision so important and life-changing that there is a need to muster up courage and self-belief (and backing from at least some of those we trust) and go ahead with something in the absence of approval (at least from some of those who matter). How do some people automatically gain the right to do this to us, without even knowing sometimes? Parents, friends, lovers, those we admire. Do they always care? We think they know better, we like them, that is why they are in that elite list, yet, are they always aware of how important they are? Do they even always know us reasonably well to make a sound judgment for us? Why do we not always reason this out? Why, for even the most pragmatic, rebellious, self-confident of minds, is "I know I'm right and I'll do it in any case" not nearly enough? Unless maybe, for one in a billion people. Unless maybe, it is a question of life and death. And even then, why is the ultimate satisfaction reached only when later, some of them finally come around and acknowledge the correctness of your choice and embrace you with pride for you, and until then you can't help being a little restless all the time?

Maybe it is not even about finding the answer to the shower of Whys above. Maybe that's just the way it is and will be and should be. Maybe all our "support group" is, is a projection of our internal conscience and value system on those we trust enough. But still, what about all the in-between times. When it's not a question of life or death, when it's not a choice so important that you need to rebel against the world, or when some of those you look up to approve and stand by you, and some do not. What about all those little everyday instances. When you continually strive hard so as to not let down this select group of people and be as good as they expect you to be, and when you fail? Or worse, when you succeed and look upto them to get that approval, that pat on the back, but all you get is indifference, or a reaction that falls far, far short, and then you can't stop yourself from facing the question, did I not do enough. And then, you can't stop yourself from trying even harder the next time and the time after that, and keep striving for that elusive approval.
Sometimes, the point comes when one feels "they", the trusted adored ones, do not really care, do not really notice, or do not really know who you are and what's important to you. The point comes when you try expressing your needs and your admiration to them, and draw a blank. When efforts at laying out your problems/points of view/convictions are met with either indifference, or misunderstanding, or a nonchalant manner that makes a joke about it till you know you're not being listened to: you're not interesting.
At that point, is it possible for one to stop trying, to rationalise and decide this person does not care and therefore should not be in this list for me, and this person's attitude does not matter? Or all one can do is stay in the vicious circle and try even harder, because afterall, those people in there, aren't they above judgement and questioning, weren't we convinced of their absolute brilliance and vitality to our lives before we put them there (sure some came by default, but still), isn't this lack of approval an indicator of our flaw and failure in reality?

Is it possible to reason out with things like emotional strongholds?

Somehow

Stuff

जम ही गया है खून मानो हमारा रगों में
जाने कब से तेरी बाहों में हम पिघले नहीं
मिले तो हैं सनम हम, जाने फिर भी क्यों मिले नहीं

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Fiction

I had finally got used to the new route to work, devoid of memories, finally destroyed every single picture, gift, memorabilia, finally started falling asleep without crying an hour. The corner, the rain, the icecream, the cellphone, the movie poster...these still kept hovering before my eyes, reminding me of you but I had survived. But I still havent forgotten spotting you in a crowd of hundreds. You still don't drop a gaze. The awful question: How can you look wonderful when I look like shit. The awful silence: God, your eyes are killing me. The awful feeling: Why did you do do that to me! The awful truth: Eleven months, I'm still not over you.

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5 Random News

Watched Shit Happens by some friends and colleagues. Good job.
One last lecture to go. It's a pity the prof sucks.
I am addicted to Facebook Scrabble, kinda.
Rahul Dravid has another boy :) :) :)
Sachin Tendulkar is God.

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Story of my life: (courtesy Sinfest (awesome))

PS The inspiration behind this is a tragic story I don't wanna share.

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Happy birthday doc. You're the bestest friend someone could have. Thanks you for being the only person who's always been there for me, always supported me, always listened, always understood. Thank you for giving me so many memorable moments of fun and bliss, and innumerable opportunities of pulling your leg (keeps me in practice ;)). Thank you for always coming back to me (from US(with chocolates)) like you never left. Thank you for being yourself.